Buzzing

It's been that kind of night. A little buzz from sangria. A big buzz from new, fun friends. And now, buzzing around tying up loose ends before I ramble out of town in the morning. It's so late. So tired and happy. How in the hell did I get here from where I was?

Remembering

I had forgotten that this little quasi-blog was floating in internet land. Had Sassy Summer not mentioned it to me, I might have never remembered it.

So, I sat down and read words I had written in the not too distant past. And I remembered a lot of things. I remembered how freeing it was to have a space to clear my head. Somehow, it felt better to put my thoughts out there. Even if they weren't being read.

I remembered the horror of sitting with my dad in the ICU, for days on end. I remembered the isolation of the months that followed, being stuck at his house taking care of him.

I remembered the long agony of the on again off again of Cute Cop. I remembered the pain and the relief when he wasn't a part of my life anymore.

But, more than anything, I am remembering who I am and what I want to do. I'm a writer and I have a lot to say. It's a good thing, this remembering.

Running

To quote my good friend Mr. McMillan, I need to "get my motor running". I am itching for a road trip.

I've been considering the past 5 months and how much I've gone through. It's been tough. But, I have had my favorite person on the planet to distract me. That helped. I would like to hit the road with him on Saturday, but, who knows. I think he's afraid I'll fall in love with him all over again. Truth be told, he might be right.

Anyway. I really need to break free and get away.

Mothering

It's Mother's Day. A holiday that is always a little bitter sweet for me. I love my mother and love to have a day to honor her. But, at the same time it reminds me that I am not a mother, and probably will not ever be. It makes me sad. I think I would have been a good mom.

Shining

The Sun is trying hard to break through the clouds. It feels metaphorical. Like the weather is reflecting my mood. It's a gift.

I feel good. I feel balanced. I feel like I can move on. I can have fun with someone else, like I did last night. It makes me a little sad to think about giving up on him. But, I can't ignore someone who whats to spend time with me, when Cute Cop clearly doesn't want that. The Cop still has my heart, and probably always will. But, the Attorney is a great guy and he makes me laugh. I guess I'm kinda taking a shining to him.

Remembering

Recently, I've been remembering things that I made myself forget a long time ago. I have learned a lot during the last 10 years. And to my great relief, I have healed. I am not the person I was on April 25, 1999, but I am a better person. I'm a whole person again.

I went back to the old apartment on Saturday. Ten years to the day. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in other ways, it feels like a lifetime ago.

I'm so grateful to be where I am now. I am trying to remember that everyday.

Thinking

So much on my mind today. I'm having a hard time shutting it down to go to sleep. Nothing to say. Can't put it all into words yet. Think I'll read for awhile. Just one of those nights when I wish I had someone to talk to - to help me sort it all out. Someone to tell me it's all going to be ok.