Breaking

I'm at my breaking point. I can feel it. I'm trying to hold it all together. Trying not to lose it until the house remodel is finished.

My body hurts. I'm exhausted. I don't want to be at work because I know how much is left to do on the house and how few hours are available to do it in.

I'm cranky, pissed off and just generally not fun to be around.

And I'm sad. I'm sick of being sad.

Next week has to be better.

Tomorrow is the third anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.

Maybe I should move to New Orleans.

Missing

On days like today, as we wait with baited breath to hear the VP nomination, one thought occurs to me over and over. I'm so sad that Tim Russert is missing this. I can picture his face, washed in excitement and anticipation as he handicaps the field. Somehow, without his commentary, it's just a little less exciting.

Death has been one of the themes of this year. Since February, when a childhood friend died, I find myself reflecting on him at strange moments. During a particularly heavy rainstorm, I remember thinking "Matt isn't experiencing this rain. He's not here to see it or feel it." It's a realization that continues to sneak up on me at random times.

I have the same process of realization regarding Tim Russert. He's not here to wait with us on pins and needles. He's missing this part. It makes me sad.

Hanging

I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread today. I'm out of sorts. I just can't seem to right the ship.

I really want to go home, crawl into bed and forget about the world for a few days.

Unfortunately, I can't do that.

There was a time when I would have allowed myself the indulgence.

Why can't I just snap out of this. Seriously.

Today, life isn't so good in Oklahoma. Makes me consider fleeing.

Wasting

What a waste of a weekend. The only redeemable parts were volunteering and spending time with the Boys. Other than that, one big friggin waste. Even now, I could redeem myself and I don't. What's wrong with me?

Rationalizing

I know there are things I should be doing, that I am not. I know there are things I shouldn't be doing that I am. The interesting part to me is how I rationalize behaving badly.

I have made an effort through the years to be the same person at all times. My argument was that if you can do this, than you are always true, always the real you.

Recently, I feel like there are two versions of me roaming around. I'm not the same person all the time. (Maybe this is an unattainable goal.) I like one manifestation of myself much better than the other. I guess the key might be to be as complete a person as possible.

I don't like the me I see today. I'm unproductive, sarcastic and manipulative. None of these are traits I would accept in a friend. Why do I accept them in myself?

Re-occupying

I have reoccupied my island. After not being alone for any stretch of time for the better part of two weeks. It feels weird to be as alone as I am tonight.

I only notice that I'm alone when I'm sad. It somehow magnifies the aloneness.

Even seeking solace in my lovely little coffee shop hasn't helped. The place is abandoned and only exacerbates my isolation.

Tonight I am sad and alone. Feeling sorry for myself? How arrogant.

Writing

God, it feels good to get back to doing what I do well.

I'm cranking out grants today. It reminds me why I love my job. I really believe in what we do at the homeless shelter (though there are systemic changes that I would like to make as well).

But, I have the perfect balance in my job. I have the freedom to command for myself what I do from day to day. I get to be creative (somewhat). And, I get to wake up everyday looking forward to going to work. I love the people I work with (who decorated my office with Peruvian male models to greet me upon my return).

But, most importantly, I feel like I get to make a difference by going to work every day. I can't imagine (and don't want to think about it) going to work everyday and not getting that feeling. I've had those jobs. This is so much better. It makes me a better person everyday.

Basking

I'm undeniably happy. The trend has held for awhile now and has become a comfortable state of being. I feel like I've relaxed into myself much more than I was even a few months ago. I love everything about my life - my job, my family, my friends, my volunteer gigs, my apartment.

I am in love with my life. I would like to share all of this with someone, of course. But, even the absence of a Mr. hasn't held me back or squelched my happiness.

There were several moments on the side/top of a mountain in Peru that I truly thought I would probably die. The 3 hour ride up the mountain was the strongest test of my contentment. I honestly did not expect to return unharmed from the mountain top. Yet, as scared as I was, I was also content. I don't think I left anything unsaid. I felt satisfied with my life. If it ended Wednesday, July 30th at 11:00 AM in rural Peru, I felt like I would be remembered for living a good, productive life.

Fortunately for me, I returned from the mountain unharmed, but not unchanged. I'm basking in my life and my love of it.

Kissing

Kissing the Oklahoma soil.

Feels good to be home.

I smell like Peru, which is a mix of llama dung, sweat and Inca Kola (which smells like bubblegum).