Breaking

I broke a tooth today. Ugh. My biggest complaint about where I work is the lack of dental insurance. I am not looking forward to having the tooth fixed. I hate to have someone's hands in my mouth. And, for some reason, my dentist always asks me random questions while his hands are in my mouth. Seriously, what does he think is going to happen.

But, even more than having dental work done, I hate paying to have dental work done. Good thing I didn't go through with the house or I really wouldn't be able to afford it.

Other than the "tooth incident" it's been a good day.

Reconnecting

God bless the chef for inviting me to the crazy facebook world. It's been a lot of fun to reconnect with people that I have lost touch with throughout the years. Amazing, this internet thing. :)

It's been 10 years or more since I've talked with some of these folks. I'm so glad they keep popping up to say hi.

Offering

I'm putting an offer on the house today. I'm totally calm about it. The universe has given me what I want, what I need, when I need it. I'm just along for the ride on this one.

I am proud that I have been able to do this on my own. While it scares me a little that the responsibility is all my own as well, I feel like I've moved into another part of my life. The part where I don't need help from Mom, Dad or Will. Though, it's nice to still have a little help. Not being dependent on anyone but myself is so gratifying, so freeing. It's a little counter intuitive that that freedom leads me to put down roots in the form of a house. But, whatever, I'm happy. I'm looking forward to today.

Falling

The pieces of my life are falling into place. The job is solid. The family is good. The car thing is squared away. I have been pre-approved for a mortgage on a house I really love. Only the guy thing is lingering. But, I'm comfortable with letting it linger for now.

I feel good. I feel happy and productive. I am grateful. I really feel like I am lucky to have the life I have.

I'm enjoying watching the house thing fall into place. I haven't tried to rush it or push to quickly for something to happen. And without my pushing, things have kind of worked themselves out - at least so far.

This is the lesson I'm applying to the guy thing. I know who I want to be with. But, the timing isn't good for him. Why would I rush it? Why would I want to? Besides, it's the preamble that is so much fun anyway.

Looking

Forward. I'm looking forward to so much this year. Dad's getting better. Should be mended by this summer. I'm looking forward to that. Buying a house. Something I've been planning for and thinking about for a VERY long time. I'm looking forward to actually doing it, also probably this summer.

I'm not actively looking for someone to spend my life with. I wasn't looking when Cute Cop wandered into my little life. And now that he's wandered back out, I'm still not actively looking. I think that is a good place for me to be right now. Looking for a house, looking for a part time job, looking for free time - I have plenty of looking to keep me busy.

Tonight, I'm looking for a cozy corner at the coffee shop to curl up in and read.

Moving

I have moved on. It was swift. But, like a light switch, it just turned off. I'm not questioning it. I'm grateful. I feel really good. It feels right. It is strange how one thing felt right last week and now the opposite feels right this week. Again...moving on.

I've also begun the house hunt, in earnest. I'm looking at a sweet little house today. Not ready to buy, but certainly ready to look.

I feel great about my life - about the choices I have made. I'm excited about my future.

Enjoying

I'm enjoying my life right now. I'm busy. I feel like I'm doing important things. I've discovered some new music that I love. I've settled into a routine that is comfortable, if not ideal.

I'm enjoying work right now. There is a lot to do. The people I work with are just insanely cool. I miss them when I'm not at work, which is rare. It really is a family. The office feels like home to me. I am embracing that as a good thing and not thinking too hard about the implications of it in general.

At the moment, I'm enjoying a small latte at my other home away from home, the coffee shop.

When I think of my life, my path, my future, my hopes, I can't help but smile. I don't know what will happen. I don't know when or how things will come together for me. But, I know they will. I know things will happen in the way and in the time that is best for me. It usually does happen that way. I'm enjoying stretching my patience. I feel like it's making me a better person.

Wording

A friend sent me a note today that was as profound as it was brief. It said simply, "You are the best person I know and I am a better person for knowing you."

Sixteen words. His ability to so succinctly demonstrate such a sweet sentiment truly impressed me. The sentiment itself, I have to take issue with because I am clearly not the best person he knows.

But, his note got me thinking about the words I choose. As a writer, words are the blocks with which I build and the colors with which I paint. As I arrange and rearrange them, I don't always give clear thought to the particular words I choose.

As I seek to return to myself, I am reminded of the half-written book that quietly sleep in my laptop. I don't know how the story ends, which is why I stopped writing it to begin with. I don't know how the characters' lives turn out in the end. I feel unworthy of the power to determine their fates. Maybe as I take control of my fate, I will, in turn, be free to begin to shape theirs.

I will set a new goal for the month: to dive back into the novel and move the story forward.

Meeting

I'm meeting my goals for the year. Financial, physical and work related. All three categories are on track. It feels really good to focus on the things going right - the things within my control.

I'm recommitted to being and becoming the very best person I can be. I am convinced that is the only way, the true way to meet someone who is equally the best person he can be. Lord knows I haven't done so well in keeping up this standard in the last year. But, it is a fresh new year. No time like the present to get back on track.

Rediscovering

I'm in a process of rediscovery. I'm excited about getting back into my life a little. I feel like I've been visiting another planet for the last 52 days. There are so many things I have been missing.

Sunday mornings at the coffee shop - paper and a small latte.

Sunday morning movies with John.

Sunday afternoon swimming with Mom.

Grocery shopping and cooking on the weekends.

Hanging out in the park.

Cleaning my apartment. What a strange thing to miss.

I'm happy with myself. I'm happy with my life. I love my job. I love my family.

I'm excited about the future, proud of my past and enjoying this moment. I'm rediscovering the goals I made for my life.

Remembering

I'm working on remembering the things that I like about myself. I've gotten so lost in surviving the situation with Dad and trying to make more out of the thing with Cute Cop than it really is - I've lost the good parts of me.

I used to be fun and relaxed. I used to have interesting things to say. Somewhere, I lost that part of me, at least temporarily.

I'm fighting my way back. Dad is getting better. It's still a challenge, but a surmountable one. And Cute Cop, hhhmmm. I don't know what will happen there. I'm ok with that for now. He's got my heart. I guess it's up to me to remember where I left it.

Calming

I can breathe again. Poor Cute Cop. Serious freak out today and he was the prime target. I feel terrible. But, all I can do is move forward.

Luckily for me, he is kind and understanding and willing to forgive me.

Tonight I'm calm. On my way back to happy.

Terrifying

I'm scared and sad and frankly, terrified. I want to feel happy and light hearted and playful. But, today, the weight of the future is on my shoulders.

What if he's not the one. What if I'm just fooling myself. What if I have cast him in a role that doesn't fit - a role he doesn't want. Not ending up with him terrifies me.

But, what if he is the one. What if it's true. What if he does want to be with me in the end. Equally terrifying. Scares me just as much to think about actually getting what I want.

I have never felt this way about someone. Not even close.

I don't know what to do.