Dying

We are at 29 for the year.

That's as many as we sometimes lose in an entire year, and it's not even June.

It's just wrong.

Adding

I'm adding pages. Finally.

It feels really good to flex that muscle again.

I have to make some big decisions for my characters. I think I couldn't do that until I made some big decisions for myself. I guess my conscience is clear, because the words are coming.

Trusting

I trusted the wrong person. I missed my friend and my writing partner.

I gave away some pages. Pages that haven't been read, ever. Pages that really aren't ready to be read by anyone.

Luckily, it appears they still haven't been read. So, I guess that's a blessing in disguise. However, it feels more like disrespect and indifference.

It's my fault for trusting someone I don't really know. I guess I felt comfortable with him by virtue of his pedigree. Stupid reason to trust someone.

Erasing

Today has been a day of erasing. Posts, thoughts, habits, dreams, even part of my book project. I've done a lot of erasing.

I suppose some of the deletions I might later regret. Hopefully not.

I'm most interested in erasing thoughts. I tend to dwell on the same things. I get stuck. Today, I was stuck. I had to do some strategic erasure to move past it and actually get some work done. Which, after all, is the reason I'm here at the moment and not on vacation.

I had a pretty productive day. As much as possible under the circumstances.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was fired. At first I was shocked and hurt. Then, surprisingly, I was relieved. I began to think of all the things I wouldn't have to do. The grants I wouldn't have to write. The event that I wouldn't have to plan. In my dream, I drifted from shock, to acceptance, to relief.

I don't think that is a good sign. Do I not love my job anymore? I thought I did.

Lightning

I saw the first lightning bug of the summer tonight.

Good memories.

Existing

Sometimes in the stillness and quiet of night, the existence dilemma sneaks up on me. It's one of those thoughts I strategical reject all day long, but in the haze between sleeping and waking, sometimes it takes over my mind.

Ringing

My phone isn't ringing. Damn thing. My phone isn't ringing because he's not calling.

I'm not that girl. I don't sit around and wait for the phone to ring. In fairness to myself, I haven't sat and waited for it to ring. In fact, I just got home. Busy evening.

My phone usually annoys me when it does ring. I don't particularly like talking on the phone.

But, at the moment, I want it to ring and it disobeys.

House Hunting

About every six months, I start manically house hunting. Even today, driving home for lunch, I can't help but look for For Sale signs.

I don't need a house. I'm perfectly happy in my little apartment.

But, when I indulge in daydreaming about the future, I convince myself that I will need a house in which to raise a family. So, I go house hunting.

I don't need to buy a house right now. I don't have a family in need of space.

If you buy it, they will come? Maybe.

Parking

I really, really want to go to the park. It's my retreat on days when I need to be outside to get some air and think. But, it's raining. Bummer.

This park abutts a neighborhood that I love, in which I will probably never afford to live. I even looked at garage apartments in this neighborhood. Sadly, I could not even afford that.

I have been hiding out in this park for many, many years. When I was 16 I would drive my best friends to Tulsa. We would hang out at Java Daves and feel much more mature than our tender age by drinking coffee drinks.

This park is just down the road from where Java Daves once was. On more than one occasion one of the three of us girls would sneak down to the park with a cute older boy. There is a tree in the middle of the park that holds many secrets of the adolescence of me and my friends.

Now, I sit under the same tree and think. It's a reminder to me that, while some things change...many do not.

Man, I want to go to the park. It's just a little rain. I guess I won't melt.

Choosing

Most women fall into one of two categories.

They are either rose bushes or rose bouquets.

I am most certainly a rose bush kind of gal.

Ignoring

This morning, getting into the shower, I glanced down and caught a glimpse of my right calf. It's a part of my body that I don't spend any time contemplating.

However, while I have been ignoring my calf, it has been working hard in the gym and the pool. While I knew my calf was with me during those long hours on the treadmill and in the pool, it did not occur to me to check in with it to assess it's progress.

Happily, my calf has done a great job of shedding it's excess fat and building muscle. This morning, I'm happy for it and for me.

I still have a long way to go. And it will take muscles, like my newly reintroduced calf, to carry me the distance.

Rededicating

It's time to rededicate myself to writing. Not this silly quasi-blog. This is all nonsense really and not meant to be read by anyone, including myself. It serves only to focus my thoughts and to measure the passage of time.

But, I feel like I'm ready to get an outside opinion on an old project. I even have an idea for a new project. It's scary and exciting at the same time.

Writing has always been an additional thing in my life, secondary to work or school. Maybe it will always be something I do additionally.

But, maybe not. Maybe someday it will be my chief activity.

Missing

Tonight I feel the depth of what is missing in my life.

It's late. I'm exhausted.

I've got to stop thinking. I'm going to go read.

Remembering

A character in a book I'm reading makes the point that as long as someone remembers you, you continue to live after your death. Her concern and curiosity rested on wanting to know who would remember her last. She spent some time elegantly postulating on what final memory would be the last remembrance that she walked upon the earth.

It's an interesting question.

I've spent some time this morning remembering people that I respect and love that have passed away. To my embarrassment and dread, it is the first time in a long time that I have thought of some of them at length. I promise myself to think of them more often.

Then, there are those whom I never knew, but whose passing I mourn as their lives touch mine years later. It seems tragically unfair to meet someone and be changed by them years after their death.

Inevitably, my thoughts turn to those who pass away unremembered. Because it is a function of my work, I think about this population almost daily. Will my thinking of them be the last remembrances of their lives. God, I hope not.

Providing

I forget sometimes that the universe provides, if only you hasten to ask.

It's a lesson that I have learned over and over again. Yet, each time I am surprised.

I have always been provided with those things that I need. Whether through my own efforts or the efforts of others on my behalf, I have never not been able to meet my needs.

But, in addition to that, the universe provides for my wants. It sounds pompous and selfish to say so. But it's true. Even my smallest, silliest wants are the business of universal force.

When the universe provides for my wants and I am stunned and surprised, I refelct upon Hafiz, who would say that if I would listen closely, I could hear God laughing.

Sleeping

I'm not sleeping. Too much on my mind. I don't function well without sleep.

Having a hard time streaming thoughts together.

I'm not convinced that I'm actually doing any good. Feel like I'm spinning my wheels and not seeing results.

At work, volunteer work, writing...just across the board. Not a good day/week.

Raining

I love the rain. Especially thunderstorms in the morning.

I have a lot of things to think about today. I have some serious decisions to make and 9 hours and change to make them.

Luckily, I'm not working today. Hopefully I will have a mindless task to do at the Food Bank, so I can focus my thoughts elsewhere.

At this moment, I am reminded that I have made this mistake before and have promised myself to learn from my mistakes, not continue to repeat them. Easier said than done.

Re-thinking

I've been rethinking some actions I have set in motion.

I've always believed that the connections you make indelibly change the person that you are or the path that you are on or both. I do still believe that. But, I also have learned that first appraisals of a connection don't always hold as accurate. As time passes and relationships change and lengthen, often they take on more or less meaning than they had when they were young and new.

It makes me sad when I think of those people who were once so important to me, realizing that I haven't thought of them at length for quite some time.

Then there are the new relationships. There are two that I didn't put much stock into, that have been a welcome and lovely surprise. There is one that I have put much effort and care into that is quite lovely and unpredictable. Then there is one that I had high hopes for. It appears that I have placed my faith in a false hope. It isn't the first time and, I am assured, won't be the last time.

I am re-thinking my actions and priorities today. But, enough thinking...it's time to get to the gym.

Reading

I'm reading a book I love right now. Several nights now I have had to force myself to put the book down and go to bed, for fear of not being able to function in the morning. I love that feeling, the anticipation of reading a great book. As a writer, I imagine that eliciting that feeling in someone has to be the greatest reward.

Timing

My timing is off today. It's the kind of day when I would normally long for a do-over. But, at present, the day sucks so much that I am just wishing for morning. Monday morning. Only major suckage can cause that.

The first half of the day was actually lovely. In the office at dawn, painting. A couple hours of reading, both at the coffee shop and at the park. Chatting with my squirrels. Then, to a great movie. One I have been wanting to see for a while.

That's when the wheels fell off the day, almost literally. Few things unnerve me like car trouble. I just can't deal with it. While my car is STILL in the shop, far be it from O'Brien to get it back to me in under a month, I am driving the farm truck. The old girl has many years on her and is not properly maintained, so it wasn't a big surprise when the tire went flat.

There are few moments in my life when I truly, desperately wish I were married so that I would have someone to depend on to maintain my vehicle. Today happens to be one of them. It's just bad timing.

Prepping

As I am now half way through the painting job, the importance of prepping has occurred to me.

Like a renegade, I always start painting without taking the time to properly prep the job. And, invariably, I go back, midway through, and prep.

The true evil of painting is that once you've begun, you can't stop. Especially in the office, I have to finish this over the weekend in order to be able to get to work on Monday. It sucks. Seriously sucks. I would much rather be reading right now.

Ok. Enough procrastination. Back to work.

Painting

I'm painting my office this morning. It's the last step before I can put my office back together and cease working in choas. Luckily, the office is small, so I should be able to finish this today. Hopefully.

Listening

I met someone recently who is a really good listener. He asks really deep, probing questions and then listens intently to the answers. He's been a good example to me. I want to be a better listener.

It's so easy to validate someone by listening to them. It costs nothing and every time I make the effort, I learn something new.

I realize that I haven't been a very good friend these last few years. I used to be a great friend. I guess it comes back to spending the time and effort. In college, I remember spending hour after hour just talking with my friends. I don't do that anymore. I don't talk much these days, as a rule. I miss that.

Adopting

365 days to go before I begin the adoption process. When I set this arbitrary deadline in 2004, it seemed a lifetime away. Now it's one year away. I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be.

I'm grateful to have the time to plan and save and to get in shape. It all ties together. That's my lesson to myself today.

I spent a long time in the park last night trying to envision my life with a baby. I think I'll be a good mom. But, I feel some guilt about creating a single parent family. I feel like this little one is going to have been through so much already that he or she deserves everything, including a father. I mentioned this to a friend last night and he was quick to point out that one parent who loves you is far better than life in an orphanage or in the foster care system.

He's right, of course, as always.