Over the weekend I reconnected with some old friends and connected with some new ones. It felt great. I feel like I'm me again. I don't know where I went. But, I feel like Saturday marked the true return to me.
A piece of my heart had been missing for so long I forgot how it felt when it is whole. Something clicked this weekend. I'll attribute it to being with Scott and connecting with Michael. Something about that just brought me back.
It makes me excited about the future. I want more of that.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Changing
I'm thinking about changing careers. It should be scary. I feel like I should be more nervous about it than I am.
But, I just feel really good about it. It feels right. Every hour I spend in a kitchen just feels like that is where I am supposed to be.
When I explain what I want to do to anyone who has known me longer than a minute, they nod and smile and say something to the tune of "oh, that makes sense."
That makes me think I'm on the right path.
As a rule, I try to embrace change in my life. It's worked for me to this point, so I'm embracing this one as well. Unfortunately, it's going to be a slow change. Gotta cool my heels for a while.
If nothing else, I will learn the value of patience.
But, I just feel really good about it. It feels right. Every hour I spend in a kitchen just feels like that is where I am supposed to be.
When I explain what I want to do to anyone who has known me longer than a minute, they nod and smile and say something to the tune of "oh, that makes sense."
That makes me think I'm on the right path.
As a rule, I try to embrace change in my life. It's worked for me to this point, so I'm embracing this one as well. Unfortunately, it's going to be a slow change. Gotta cool my heels for a while.
If nothing else, I will learn the value of patience.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Chilling
I have had an unnatural sense of calm the last few weeks. There are certain things I know are going to happen in the future and they have dwarfed any of the silly stressers in my life right now.
Though I assume this won't have a reader, I will be vague on this count just in case it does.
But, leaving details aside, I am calm. I have noticed I am using the word "chill" a lot these days. I don't know who I got that from. It's not a word that is at home in my vocabulary. But, it describes my general mood at present.
The most remarkable part of this story is that I had a huge event on Thursday. While I was very busy leading up to that event, I never was really stressed about it.
I see the bigger picture and I refuse to get caught up in silliness.
For now, I'm just chilling.
Though I assume this won't have a reader, I will be vague on this count just in case it does.
But, leaving details aside, I am calm. I have noticed I am using the word "chill" a lot these days. I don't know who I got that from. It's not a word that is at home in my vocabulary. But, it describes my general mood at present.
The most remarkable part of this story is that I had a huge event on Thursday. While I was very busy leading up to that event, I never was really stressed about it.
I see the bigger picture and I refuse to get caught up in silliness.
For now, I'm just chilling.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Heating
It's been relatively hot out. It seems like when the temp gets to 90 degrees a few days in a row, people turn crazy and start killing each other.
Unfortunately, the trend seems to be holding.
It scares me to think that it's not even technically summer yet. It's already been such a deadly year.
Unfortunately, the trend seems to be holding.
It scares me to think that it's not even technically summer yet. It's already been such a deadly year.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Flowing
On occasion I allow myself the indulgence of an hour of writing really bad poetry. I believe it's a barometer of sorts for the soul. If that is true, I think I'm in trouble. Below is my hour's worth of verse, unedited.
Homeless
I had a dream once.
I can not remember what it was.
I was destined to be someone important.
My grandmother was convinced of it.
I had a life once.
I can remember now how it felt
To awaken each dawn in my own bed;
To look forward to the coming day.
The Sinner and Saint are one in the same
Two sides of a coin on the streets.
So far from where I started
My life is now unrecognizable to me.
She shields her face from the overhead light.
Her eyes plead for dark night to come.
She curls her body, hugging her knees.
Time stops. It's Seven O'clock.
When morning breaks, she starts her routine.
Grateful for something to do.
She washes and combs, then hops on the bus.
Going nowhere until she returns.
Things could have been different.
She knows that now. Revelation coming too late.
She would give everything to return to that day,
Armed with the knowledge of her future fate.
Trying Too Hard
Trying too hard to be seen
Makes her invisible.
Trying too hard to be heard
Silences her voice.
Trying to impress him
Makes her seem desperate.
Such a pretty girl.
Why does she sell herself short?
He's clearly bored.
At what point did she lose him?
Creating
Words stack up eager to make their way to the page,
Arranging and rearranging themselves.
A story reveals itself to me.
It was there for the taking, I merely write it down.
Did I create it or did it create me?
The Dead
The names of the dead dance across my mind.
A funeral procession with no end.
I cover my eyes like a frightened child
To erase their faces.
But it's no use.
Their eyes stare back at me in the mirror.
A tear escapes and I don't know if it's mine
Or theirs.
Black Hole
Heart in hand I approach.
His eyes sparkle and the sadness is almost masked.
I stare through them to the emptiness.
Eager to fill the gaping hole, I give all I have.
Inexplicably, it makes the hole bigger.
Physics has no place in this matter.
Homeless
I had a dream once.
I can not remember what it was.
I was destined to be someone important.
My grandmother was convinced of it.
I had a life once.
I can remember now how it felt
To awaken each dawn in my own bed;
To look forward to the coming day.
The Sinner and Saint are one in the same
Two sides of a coin on the streets.
So far from where I started
My life is now unrecognizable to me.
She shields her face from the overhead light.
Her eyes plead for dark night to come.
She curls her body, hugging her knees.
Time stops. It's Seven O'clock.
When morning breaks, she starts her routine.
Grateful for something to do.
She washes and combs, then hops on the bus.
Going nowhere until she returns.
Things could have been different.
She knows that now. Revelation coming too late.
She would give everything to return to that day,
Armed with the knowledge of her future fate.
Trying Too Hard
Trying too hard to be seen
Makes her invisible.
Trying too hard to be heard
Silences her voice.
Trying to impress him
Makes her seem desperate.
Such a pretty girl.
Why does she sell herself short?
He's clearly bored.
At what point did she lose him?
Creating
Words stack up eager to make their way to the page,
Arranging and rearranging themselves.
A story reveals itself to me.
It was there for the taking, I merely write it down.
Did I create it or did it create me?
The Dead
The names of the dead dance across my mind.
A funeral procession with no end.
I cover my eyes like a frightened child
To erase their faces.
But it's no use.
Their eyes stare back at me in the mirror.
A tear escapes and I don't know if it's mine
Or theirs.
Black Hole
Heart in hand I approach.
His eyes sparkle and the sadness is almost masked.
I stare through them to the emptiness.
Eager to fill the gaping hole, I give all I have.
Inexplicably, it makes the hole bigger.
Physics has no place in this matter.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Exhausting
An apt description of my life at the moment. I find myself in need of a nap by 4:30 most days...though I rarely have the time for one.
Between the brutal morning workouts, the hours in the water in the evening and the tornado of activity all day long at work, I am physically spent.
I'm not complaining. It feels really good. It feels productive. It makes me feel worthwhile.
Unfortunately, the volunteers hours seem to be squeezed out, at least in the short term. I regret that. I really enjoy my volunteer projects. But, there are only so many hours in the day.
Moments ago in a coffee shop, I heard a voice across the room that sounded like Adam's. It wasn't, of course, but it made me realize I hadn't thought about him in weeks. That made me sad.
I've been thinking about energy a lot this week. My energy level is very different from what it was when he was around. My overall energy is much more positive than it was last year. When I'm having an especially cheery and optimistic day, it makes me laugh to think how much that would annoy him.
Then I realize how much better my life is without him in it. That part still hurts.
A writer friend once said, of a similar situation, that "holding back the tears in exhausting". She was right.
Between the brutal morning workouts, the hours in the water in the evening and the tornado of activity all day long at work, I am physically spent.
I'm not complaining. It feels really good. It feels productive. It makes me feel worthwhile.
Unfortunately, the volunteers hours seem to be squeezed out, at least in the short term. I regret that. I really enjoy my volunteer projects. But, there are only so many hours in the day.
Moments ago in a coffee shop, I heard a voice across the room that sounded like Adam's. It wasn't, of course, but it made me realize I hadn't thought about him in weeks. That made me sad.
I've been thinking about energy a lot this week. My energy level is very different from what it was when he was around. My overall energy is much more positive than it was last year. When I'm having an especially cheery and optimistic day, it makes me laugh to think how much that would annoy him.
Then I realize how much better my life is without him in it. That part still hurts.
A writer friend once said, of a similar situation, that "holding back the tears in exhausting". She was right.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
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