Terrifying

I'm scared and sad and frankly, terrified. I want to feel happy and light hearted and playful. But, today, the weight of the future is on my shoulders.

What if he's not the one. What if I'm just fooling myself. What if I have cast him in a role that doesn't fit - a role he doesn't want. Not ending up with him terrifies me.

But, what if he is the one. What if it's true. What if he does want to be with me in the end. Equally terrifying. Scares me just as much to think about actually getting what I want.

I have never felt this way about someone. Not even close.

I don't know what to do.

Escaping

I want to escape. I want to run away. I need a break.

I'm exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

I want to escape my life. But, each day I wake up and it's still there, suffocating me.

Letting

As in Let it Be. I'm letting right now. Letting things work themselves out. Letting myself feel and laugh and play. I'm letting go. I'm letting him have time and space. OK. I'm trying to let him have time and space. That one is still really hard.

I'm reading and writing and seeing movies and falling in love with my job and my family all over again. I'm letting myself believe in a future that I have postpone for a long time.

I'm letting myself believe that I deserve all of the things I want. I'm letting them come to me, on their own time. It's a hard lesson to learn that you can't force these things. At least, not if you want it to be real.

I'm letting myself enjoy being in like with someone. Enjoying the butterflies each time he calls, every time I see that evil sparkle in his eyes. Letting myself slow down and enjoy getting to know him. I'm grateful that he is letting me.

Reading

I'm reading Revolutionary Road. Trying to finish it before we see the movie on Sunday. But, it's really good, so I don't want to just mow through it. Interesting. The story of my life perhaps.

Things are good. Right now. Manageable at least. My spirits are relatively high. Baby girl arrives tomorrow. I'm still fighting for Emerson Jolie, but I think Natalie might be the chosen name. I can live with that, since it really isn't up to me.

Now, I'm off to my book and my hour of uninterrupted happiness.

Downsizing

The plan to downsize and pay off debt is well underway. I traded the Land Rover! Woo hoo!

I now own an American car, again. I feel a certain satisfaction about that.

I'm going to go drive my new car now.

Sinking

I feel like I'm sinking into a life I don't want. A life that I am not choosing for myself.

I can't breathe. I can't stop this thing.

I keep telling myself that it is a temporary situation. I can do anything for a day, a week, even a month. How long can something continue and still be temporary?

We're on Day 30. It's not feeling temporary anymore.

Driving

I went for a drive today. It was a lovely way to spend a warm Saturday afternoon. It was just what I needed to clear my head and make me smile again.

Tonight I feel relaxed and happy. Ready to enjoy the rest of the weekend before I dive back into work.

We're moving toward a really busy time at work, so it's nice to have a chance to refresh over the weekend.

I feel really good about 2009.