Laughing

Hafiz says often that he hears god laughing. I understand what he is talking about. My god is a Buddha/Santa Clause hybrid and, apparently, is rolling on the floor with a curious case of the giggles.

The shear irony of my life, it's enough to keep any god in stitches. I have spent all my adult life, all of my post college life not being ready. Not ready for love, not ready to settle down, not ready to stay in one place for long.

Now, I've gotten to where I was going. I have arrived. I feel truly myself and complete in this moment. So, of course, when I find the person I want to spend my life with...the timing is bad for him. Seriously? Seriously.

As I consider this, I hear god laughing, quietly at first. But, it's contagious and I have to laugh along. I want to yell. I want to cry. But, all I can do is laugh.

My optimism takes over and squashes each negative, self-pitying thought as quickly as it sprouts. I get to know him. Granted. I want to know him more. But, I get to know him. I get to be his friend. Some people, most people probably never get that chance.

So, tonight I sit in my little corner of my little coffee shop with my little latte and a smile dances across my face. When I catch my own eye in the mirror I realize I am content. Even if I don't get to have the life I had hoped for. I'm happy. And, I have to laugh.

Breathing

I feel like I can breathe again.

Raining

I love rainy mornings. It's pouring outside. I'm at the coffee shop with a warm latte and a great book. This morning I'm a happy girl. I've missed this person.

Dating

I have a date with Popcorn Guy. I don't feel like dating. I feel like being with someone I know. I don't feel like going through the 'where did you grow up' crap right now. I feel like curling up on the couch with someone who I don't have to talk to, someone I don't have to entertain.

Maybe it will be a good thing. Get my mind off Cute Cop. Who knows. Maybe Popcorn Guy will turn out to be a White Knight. He certainly has potential.

Cooking

I feel like cooking tonight, but the grocery stores are closed and I don't have much food in the house. I just raided the pantry at work. It's a weird mix of this and that, but I think I can make something out of it. Maybe I'll make lunch for the staff tomorrow.

I think it's a good sign to want to cook. I haven't cooked (or eaten much for that matter) in over a week. I just haven't had the energy or the appetite. But, the last few days have been better. Things are looking up. Tonight I feel good. Starting to feel like me again.

Bitching

I find it unproductive to bitch and complain when bad things happen. As a rule, I tend to seek solutions and move on. I feel like my energy is better spent this way.

But, last week was, by far, the worst week of my life. I feel the need to bitch a little to myself. If someone happens to be reading this - please stop. Spend your time reading something more productive.

So, here's the week.
Monday. No bonuses for the staff. Not enough money. i.e., I suck at my job.

Tuesday. Cute Cop doesn't want to be with me. Plain and simple. Have to admire his honesty. I think Dad is in the hospital, but he hasn't called me.

Wednesday. No really, he's not kidding. He doesn't want to be with me. And, oh yeah, Dad is in the hospital.

Late Wednesday. Dad in ICU. Ventilator. Feeding tube. Asleep.

Thursday. Same.

Friday. Same. Tubes come out, one by one. He starts to wake up.

Saturday. Awake and grumpy. But, awake.

Sunday. Same.

I am exhausted. I am scared about the next surgery. I am scared about what the future holds for him. I'm pissed off about how he's treated us.

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I don't want to give up on Cute Cop. I don't want to not be a part of his life.

I don't want to keep going like this. I need something to change. I need this to be over soon. I don't think it matters at this point what I need.

Existing

I'm existing. I'm here. That's the good news I guess. I'm somewhere between numb, pissed off and scared out of my mind.

I don't want to continue to exist like this. I don't want to become the person that circumstances are necessitating I become. I can't exist without some control of my surroundings. Some choice in what happens next. All of my choices seem to be suspended at the moment.

I feel like I'm floating through space bumping into things as they come slamming into walls unconscious and unaffected.

I wish to go back. One week. One month. Anytime before now. Now is no good. Tomorrow is not looking good. I don't know what or when I can look forward to something. I don't want to think about it too hard.

For now, I'm existing. Alone on an island. Watching the sky for a rescue plane. Fearing that one won't come.

Cracking

It's been a bad week. My safe little world is cracking and falling apart. And I can't stop it.

Failing

It's been a bad day. I feel like I've failed my whole staff. The annual bonus that most of the staff relies on to finance their family's Christmas will not be given until January, if it is given at all. Why? Because we don't have enough money coming in. Whose fault is that? You guessed it. That honor would fall squarely on my shoulders. So, essentially, I have ruined Christmas for about 30 family.

God, I hate Christmas - almost as much as I hate to fail.

Trusting

Trust has always been an issue for me. I don't think that's uncommon. I have a hard time letting people in. I have a hard time trusting someone with my heart. Letting someone in deep enough to have the ability to hurt me.

I guess what I have learned is that when I let go and trust, that is when I learn so much. I grow.

So far, I've always walked away alone. But, maybe that won't always be the case. I'm trusting that it won't.

Starting

I'm starting something new. Something amazing. It might be something one day, that is.

In NOLA, I toyed with the idea of leading a couple of volunteer vacation group trips next year. I've taken the first steps to make Travel for Change a reality. Exciting.

Now the hard part...where to go. Definitely St. Bernard's Parish next Thanksgiving. Maybe somewhere closer in the Spring. Galveston maybe.

I feel like I've been twisting in the wind for awhile. I need something to look forward to. I need a direction. I need somewhere to focus my hope.

Returning

I'm coming back to myself. It's always a difficult transition for me to come back from a volunteer vacation. I return to a life that feels far less productive. I get frustrated with the materialism and greed around me. I long for the idyllic bubble that I lived in during the vacation. The time and space where I have the freedom to volunteer my labor to a pressing need.

But, alas, I have returned. It is life as usual here in Oklahoma. I am grateful for the freedom to go on these adventures. I am also grateful that I have a place to return to.

Hoping

The air is thick with hope. You can feel it, almost taste it. New Orleans is a city collectively beating back pessimism. It's been a long haul. And, there is much work to do. But, hope abounds and I'm grateful.

Doing

I love working with my hands. I forget that, until i spending some time doing it. I'm always surprised at how much you can accomplish by just doing it.

Today I feel productive and at home - which is weird, because I'm not at home.

I've been thinking a lot about "home" and what that little word means to me. I can't remember the last time I had a place that felt like home. The South Pointe house in Claremore, I guess. It has been 13 years since we sold that house.

I long to feel at home. I wish for a place to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. How long has it been since I've owned a couch?

I'm inspired by the people down here. Their sense of family, the sense of belonging to a people and place is palpable. I don't know who I belong to. I'm not sure where I belong.

I used to embrace that uncertainly. It is what enable me to move away and to try new things. But, I don't want that anymore. I want to belong. I want a family. I want a couch to curl up on and do nothing at all.