Feeling

My heart is breaking a little this morning for a friend of a friend. This girl is supposed to be the enemy. The girl he chose over me, whatever. I feel sorry for her. And not in any silly patronizing way. Getting a fuller picture of who she is and the life that she has. It makes me wish I could somehow help her. Of course, I can't.

I love my life and I am grateful for it everyday. I love the people that are in my life. I've been really lonely this weekend and some of that sadness is still lingering, I guess. But, even in my sadness, I can smile and go about my day because I know it's temporary. I know I'll feel better by this afternoon.

But this girl. I can't imagine what her days are like. My guess is that Cute Cop is the brightest spot in them. I know that feeling too. Anyway. A little broken hearted today for her.

Snowing

Serious amount of snow. It's everywhere. It's a little suffocating and isolating. Today I'm lonely and sad. I know it will warm up tomorrow and the snow will be gone. Shouldn't I just relax and enjoy the snow? What the hell is wrong with me?

Finding

I found a grey hair today. My first. The concept of aging has never bothered me, but the evidence of it struck me today. This comes on a day when I am finding my stride again. I have been in a really weird place for months. Between the goings on with my Dad, my hopeless devotion to a Cute Cop and the general malaise of the economy (which has had a drastic effect on fundraising), I have been off balance and unsure of myself, really since the first of the year.

Finally, I feel some element of normalcy returning. Dad is markedly better and improving all the time. Cute Cop is out of the picture and soon will be a distant memory and, though the economy isn't improving, fundraising has been getting better.

I've been really sick for a couple of weeks. But, even that is getting better. There is a spring in my step that has been missing. I'm optimistic again. I've missed that sensation. That excitement about what is around the next corner.

I'm finding that I'm enough. As trite as that sounds. Though I still long sometimes to have that person beside me to go through life with, I don't have to have him. I'm enough. I'm ok on my own. I'm grateful for that, because finding him isn't on my timetable.

Traveling

I'm feeling the itch to travel. I need to get out of Dodge and stretch my legs. I've been stagnant far too long. I'm excited to see where I'll end up. I need some spontaneity right now.

Accepting

There is a truth that I have put off accepting for months. Yesterday was my tipping point. I knew it was coming and I knew it would be so hard. It was, in fact, harder than I thought. But, I have accepted what I know to be true. I have done what I knew I had to do. I am sad. I am hurt and lonely. But, I am also strong. I am passionate about the things that I choose to care about. And, I am grateful for the cirlcle of people around me that love me, that truly love me and get me and accept me.

Working

I begin job number 2 today. In fact I will be working from 9:00 AM to 12:00 Midnight. Quite a day. Makes me feel like I'm back to my old campaign schedule.

Still have a bad cold. That's no fun.

Training

I am training for my part time job this morning. Exciting. It's about building up a pile of money for now. And, a little bit about diverting some of my attention. We will see how it goes. I'm going in with a good attitude, but a bad cold. :(

Introspecting

It has been a day for introspection. I hazard a guess that this will continue into the night. I need to shut down for a while. I wish I could get away and figure myself out. I once had a good grasp on who I am. But, I've been feeling lost. Time to investigate where I went wrong. Did I go wrong? Have I done irreparable damage to friendships that I really want to preserve and nourish?

I have become a person I don't always like. I don't respect myself much right now. I don't feel good about that.

Hurting

I don't feel good today. I'm trying to push past it and do my job well. I think the aches and pains are stress induced, so avoiding work really isn't helping the situation.

There is so much going on right now, it's a bit overwhelming. Work, family and personal stuff seems to be piling up. It makes me want to get in my car and go for a long drive. Maybe I'll go to the gym after work instead. After a couple of punishing hours there, I'll be hurting in a different way.

Building

That's the theme for the near future. Building my life, building my little down payment nest egg, building a foundation of friendship with my Cute Cop. Who knows what that foundation might led to - maybe just more friendship. I guess that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I know my life won't be ruined if that is the final verdict. For me, though, this things keeps building and getting stronger. I've never felt this way about anyone, not even Josh. It scares me. I am afraid I could lose a piece of myself to it.

Still planning a return building trip to New Orleans. Looking forward to that. I need to hook up with a Habitat Build here at home. I need to get outside of my head a little.

Spring is definitely in the air. My optimism is building. I feel really good today.

Spinning

My head is spinning. Literally. I've been really dizzy the last couple of days. I don't like it. It's the feeling that comes with a migraine or being really drunk, but I don't have a headache and haven't had a drop to drink.

Metaphorically, my life is spinning a little as well. Not in a perfect circle, but with a bit of a wobble. I just feel out of sorts, out of control.

I'm tired of loving someone who doesn't love me. Why do I keep letting myself go there. Why do I keep spinning the situation to make myself think it will all work out someday.

Dying

I've been thinking about death a lot recently. Not just my own, but death in general terms. The big, old questions like - 'What happens when you die?'. Usually this is one of those 3:00AM thoughts that keep me up the rest of the night contemplating. But, recently, it has been at random moments that these thoughts plague me. Driving past the car wash today, I was reminded of a picture of a man who died at the car wash, lying next to his motorcycle. I can't help but wonder what his last moments were like. Was he in pain? Did he know he was going to die? As it was explained to me, he died of a drug overdose.

An old childhood friend died a year ago. I think of him at random moments. During a thunderstorm a few months after his death I remember thinking "Matt isn't experiencing this storm. He's not here to see the lightening or smell the rain." But, what if he was. What if we are still here after we die. I don't know. I can't say for sure where he is or if he is any place at all.

I have made a conscious effort to help as many people in my life as possible. I've been called a Saint for it by my Ninja friend. But, in truth, it's really about doing what I can while I'm here, because I know someday I won't be here. I'm well aware that the world will go right on spinning without me. But, my hope is that a tiny little piece of it will be changed for the better by the fact that I danced upon the earth.

I've been contemplating big changes in my life. I think that is what has brought up these thoughts. I have always shied away from committing myself to permanent things (a man, a house, a child, a tattoo, you name it). I'm entering a place now where I am longing for permanence. It's been a long winding road to get here. But, I think that there is so much that is temporary. So much that is ever-changing.

I've come to realize that love is permanent. It might be the only thing that is. I'm not talking about attraction or infatuation. But, I mean that meeting of the mind and soul stuff that you can't create yourself. That thing that you just have to embrace and enjoy. I imagine it's this love that fills your last thoughts and goes with you when you die.