Dying

I've been thinking about death a lot recently. Not just my own, but death in general terms. The big, old questions like - 'What happens when you die?'. Usually this is one of those 3:00AM thoughts that keep me up the rest of the night contemplating. But, recently, it has been at random moments that these thoughts plague me. Driving past the car wash today, I was reminded of a picture of a man who died at the car wash, lying next to his motorcycle. I can't help but wonder what his last moments were like. Was he in pain? Did he know he was going to die? As it was explained to me, he died of a drug overdose.

An old childhood friend died a year ago. I think of him at random moments. During a thunderstorm a few months after his death I remember thinking "Matt isn't experiencing this storm. He's not here to see the lightening or smell the rain." But, what if he was. What if we are still here after we die. I don't know. I can't say for sure where he is or if he is any place at all.

I have made a conscious effort to help as many people in my life as possible. I've been called a Saint for it by my Ninja friend. But, in truth, it's really about doing what I can while I'm here, because I know someday I won't be here. I'm well aware that the world will go right on spinning without me. But, my hope is that a tiny little piece of it will be changed for the better by the fact that I danced upon the earth.

I've been contemplating big changes in my life. I think that is what has brought up these thoughts. I have always shied away from committing myself to permanent things (a man, a house, a child, a tattoo, you name it). I'm entering a place now where I am longing for permanence. It's been a long winding road to get here. But, I think that there is so much that is temporary. So much that is ever-changing.

I've come to realize that love is permanent. It might be the only thing that is. I'm not talking about attraction or infatuation. But, I mean that meeting of the mind and soul stuff that you can't create yourself. That thing that you just have to embrace and enjoy. I imagine it's this love that fills your last thoughts and goes with you when you die.