Running

To quote my good friend Mr. McMillan, I need to "get my motor running". I am itching for a road trip.

I've been considering the past 5 months and how much I've gone through. It's been tough. But, I have had my favorite person on the planet to distract me. That helped. I would like to hit the road with him on Saturday, but, who knows. I think he's afraid I'll fall in love with him all over again. Truth be told, he might be right.

Anyway. I really need to break free and get away.

Mothering

It's Mother's Day. A holiday that is always a little bitter sweet for me. I love my mother and love to have a day to honor her. But, at the same time it reminds me that I am not a mother, and probably will not ever be. It makes me sad. I think I would have been a good mom.

Shining

The Sun is trying hard to break through the clouds. It feels metaphorical. Like the weather is reflecting my mood. It's a gift.

I feel good. I feel balanced. I feel like I can move on. I can have fun with someone else, like I did last night. It makes me a little sad to think about giving up on him. But, I can't ignore someone who whats to spend time with me, when Cute Cop clearly doesn't want that. The Cop still has my heart, and probably always will. But, the Attorney is a great guy and he makes me laugh. I guess I'm kinda taking a shining to him.

Remembering

Recently, I've been remembering things that I made myself forget a long time ago. I have learned a lot during the last 10 years. And to my great relief, I have healed. I am not the person I was on April 25, 1999, but I am a better person. I'm a whole person again.

I went back to the old apartment on Saturday. Ten years to the day. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in other ways, it feels like a lifetime ago.

I'm so grateful to be where I am now. I am trying to remember that everyday.

Thinking

So much on my mind today. I'm having a hard time shutting it down to go to sleep. Nothing to say. Can't put it all into words yet. Think I'll read for awhile. Just one of those nights when I wish I had someone to talk to - to help me sort it all out. Someone to tell me it's all going to be ok.

Celebrating

I've decided to celebrate the 10 year anniversary. Sick, I know. But, the point is that it's 10 years later and I have not only survived, but I'm doing really well. Cause for celebration. I should bake a cake.

Cute Cop has had a disastrous week. Poor guy. I wish so hard that I could help him. Wish I could make his life better.

I am going out with the Ambitious Attorney later this week. I don't really want to. But, he is a great guy and wants to spend time with me. He must be crazy! I guess time will tell.

Hurting

So many people are hurting right now. All because of one guy. It's sad. Luckily for me, I'm not one of them. I was. I had my day(s) of hurting. I had my lost mornings at work, curled up in a co-workers office, crying about a guy, who is indifferent to causing tears. But, today, I'm not the one crying. It feels good. I feel like me again. I'm busy. I have great friends who love me.

But, I do feel terrible for the girls who are crying today. I have a really hard time sitting by when there might be something I can do to help, to ease their pain. Ugh.

On a happier note, I'm off to a Wedding Shower. Hope springs eternal, I guess.

Recognizing

Earlier tonight I caught my own eye in the mirror and recognized a girl I haven't seen in a long time. It's been 10 years, or it will be 10 years on the 25th. Ten years. I didn't think I would get to be that girl again. But, I saw her tonight. The pain was still in her eyes, but there was also light and hope. I am convinced that you can survive anything. I even feel lucky in a weird way. I feel like I have a better sense of empathy and compassion than I might have had otherwise.

Life is funny. I'm just beginning to recognize that.

Ripping

I love my work. I love my staff. This has been a horrible week at work and that camaraderie that is so important to what we do is ripping apart. It's not my job to deal with personnel issues. But, for some reason, I'm kind of stuff in the middle of this fight.

Hopefully, this will all be in the past come Monday and we will just move on. Nevertheless, it's been an extremely stressful week and I'm so thrilled it's over. Although, I did wake up this morning thinking it was Friday and trying to decided if I really wanted to come to work. Thankfully, it's Saturday. So, I'm at work and no one else is. Which is my favorite part about Saturday mornings.

M and I are going to a movie tonight. I'm happy to help keep her busy. Lord knows I need to keep busy too. Doing my best not to think about Cute Cop. Although, he has a crush on M, which is just annoying. She isn't interested in him at all. But, of course, it still stings.

I'm trying to think of something cheerful, this has been so dreary. My ninja is coming to visit next month! That's exciting.

Adopting

My little Cooper is going to come live with me. I've been so lonely all alone in my little apartment. It will be lovely to have my little furry friend move in. Can't wait to get him.

Feeling

My heart is breaking a little this morning for a friend of a friend. This girl is supposed to be the enemy. The girl he chose over me, whatever. I feel sorry for her. And not in any silly patronizing way. Getting a fuller picture of who she is and the life that she has. It makes me wish I could somehow help her. Of course, I can't.

I love my life and I am grateful for it everyday. I love the people that are in my life. I've been really lonely this weekend and some of that sadness is still lingering, I guess. But, even in my sadness, I can smile and go about my day because I know it's temporary. I know I'll feel better by this afternoon.

But this girl. I can't imagine what her days are like. My guess is that Cute Cop is the brightest spot in them. I know that feeling too. Anyway. A little broken hearted today for her.

Snowing

Serious amount of snow. It's everywhere. It's a little suffocating and isolating. Today I'm lonely and sad. I know it will warm up tomorrow and the snow will be gone. Shouldn't I just relax and enjoy the snow? What the hell is wrong with me?

Finding

I found a grey hair today. My first. The concept of aging has never bothered me, but the evidence of it struck me today. This comes on a day when I am finding my stride again. I have been in a really weird place for months. Between the goings on with my Dad, my hopeless devotion to a Cute Cop and the general malaise of the economy (which has had a drastic effect on fundraising), I have been off balance and unsure of myself, really since the first of the year.

Finally, I feel some element of normalcy returning. Dad is markedly better and improving all the time. Cute Cop is out of the picture and soon will be a distant memory and, though the economy isn't improving, fundraising has been getting better.

I've been really sick for a couple of weeks. But, even that is getting better. There is a spring in my step that has been missing. I'm optimistic again. I've missed that sensation. That excitement about what is around the next corner.

I'm finding that I'm enough. As trite as that sounds. Though I still long sometimes to have that person beside me to go through life with, I don't have to have him. I'm enough. I'm ok on my own. I'm grateful for that, because finding him isn't on my timetable.

Traveling

I'm feeling the itch to travel. I need to get out of Dodge and stretch my legs. I've been stagnant far too long. I'm excited to see where I'll end up. I need some spontaneity right now.

Accepting

There is a truth that I have put off accepting for months. Yesterday was my tipping point. I knew it was coming and I knew it would be so hard. It was, in fact, harder than I thought. But, I have accepted what I know to be true. I have done what I knew I had to do. I am sad. I am hurt and lonely. But, I am also strong. I am passionate about the things that I choose to care about. And, I am grateful for the cirlcle of people around me that love me, that truly love me and get me and accept me.

Working

I begin job number 2 today. In fact I will be working from 9:00 AM to 12:00 Midnight. Quite a day. Makes me feel like I'm back to my old campaign schedule.

Still have a bad cold. That's no fun.

Training

I am training for my part time job this morning. Exciting. It's about building up a pile of money for now. And, a little bit about diverting some of my attention. We will see how it goes. I'm going in with a good attitude, but a bad cold. :(

Introspecting

It has been a day for introspection. I hazard a guess that this will continue into the night. I need to shut down for a while. I wish I could get away and figure myself out. I once had a good grasp on who I am. But, I've been feeling lost. Time to investigate where I went wrong. Did I go wrong? Have I done irreparable damage to friendships that I really want to preserve and nourish?

I have become a person I don't always like. I don't respect myself much right now. I don't feel good about that.

Hurting

I don't feel good today. I'm trying to push past it and do my job well. I think the aches and pains are stress induced, so avoiding work really isn't helping the situation.

There is so much going on right now, it's a bit overwhelming. Work, family and personal stuff seems to be piling up. It makes me want to get in my car and go for a long drive. Maybe I'll go to the gym after work instead. After a couple of punishing hours there, I'll be hurting in a different way.

Building

That's the theme for the near future. Building my life, building my little down payment nest egg, building a foundation of friendship with my Cute Cop. Who knows what that foundation might led to - maybe just more friendship. I guess that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I know my life won't be ruined if that is the final verdict. For me, though, this things keeps building and getting stronger. I've never felt this way about anyone, not even Josh. It scares me. I am afraid I could lose a piece of myself to it.

Still planning a return building trip to New Orleans. Looking forward to that. I need to hook up with a Habitat Build here at home. I need to get outside of my head a little.

Spring is definitely in the air. My optimism is building. I feel really good today.

Spinning

My head is spinning. Literally. I've been really dizzy the last couple of days. I don't like it. It's the feeling that comes with a migraine or being really drunk, but I don't have a headache and haven't had a drop to drink.

Metaphorically, my life is spinning a little as well. Not in a perfect circle, but with a bit of a wobble. I just feel out of sorts, out of control.

I'm tired of loving someone who doesn't love me. Why do I keep letting myself go there. Why do I keep spinning the situation to make myself think it will all work out someday.

Dying

I've been thinking about death a lot recently. Not just my own, but death in general terms. The big, old questions like - 'What happens when you die?'. Usually this is one of those 3:00AM thoughts that keep me up the rest of the night contemplating. But, recently, it has been at random moments that these thoughts plague me. Driving past the car wash today, I was reminded of a picture of a man who died at the car wash, lying next to his motorcycle. I can't help but wonder what his last moments were like. Was he in pain? Did he know he was going to die? As it was explained to me, he died of a drug overdose.

An old childhood friend died a year ago. I think of him at random moments. During a thunderstorm a few months after his death I remember thinking "Matt isn't experiencing this storm. He's not here to see the lightening or smell the rain." But, what if he was. What if we are still here after we die. I don't know. I can't say for sure where he is or if he is any place at all.

I have made a conscious effort to help as many people in my life as possible. I've been called a Saint for it by my Ninja friend. But, in truth, it's really about doing what I can while I'm here, because I know someday I won't be here. I'm well aware that the world will go right on spinning without me. But, my hope is that a tiny little piece of it will be changed for the better by the fact that I danced upon the earth.

I've been contemplating big changes in my life. I think that is what has brought up these thoughts. I have always shied away from committing myself to permanent things (a man, a house, a child, a tattoo, you name it). I'm entering a place now where I am longing for permanence. It's been a long winding road to get here. But, I think that there is so much that is temporary. So much that is ever-changing.

I've come to realize that love is permanent. It might be the only thing that is. I'm not talking about attraction or infatuation. But, I mean that meeting of the mind and soul stuff that you can't create yourself. That thing that you just have to embrace and enjoy. I imagine it's this love that fills your last thoughts and goes with you when you die.

Breaking

I broke a tooth today. Ugh. My biggest complaint about where I work is the lack of dental insurance. I am not looking forward to having the tooth fixed. I hate to have someone's hands in my mouth. And, for some reason, my dentist always asks me random questions while his hands are in my mouth. Seriously, what does he think is going to happen.

But, even more than having dental work done, I hate paying to have dental work done. Good thing I didn't go through with the house or I really wouldn't be able to afford it.

Other than the "tooth incident" it's been a good day.

Reconnecting

God bless the chef for inviting me to the crazy facebook world. It's been a lot of fun to reconnect with people that I have lost touch with throughout the years. Amazing, this internet thing. :)

It's been 10 years or more since I've talked with some of these folks. I'm so glad they keep popping up to say hi.

Offering

I'm putting an offer on the house today. I'm totally calm about it. The universe has given me what I want, what I need, when I need it. I'm just along for the ride on this one.

I am proud that I have been able to do this on my own. While it scares me a little that the responsibility is all my own as well, I feel like I've moved into another part of my life. The part where I don't need help from Mom, Dad or Will. Though, it's nice to still have a little help. Not being dependent on anyone but myself is so gratifying, so freeing. It's a little counter intuitive that that freedom leads me to put down roots in the form of a house. But, whatever, I'm happy. I'm looking forward to today.

Falling

The pieces of my life are falling into place. The job is solid. The family is good. The car thing is squared away. I have been pre-approved for a mortgage on a house I really love. Only the guy thing is lingering. But, I'm comfortable with letting it linger for now.

I feel good. I feel happy and productive. I am grateful. I really feel like I am lucky to have the life I have.

I'm enjoying watching the house thing fall into place. I haven't tried to rush it or push to quickly for something to happen. And without my pushing, things have kind of worked themselves out - at least so far.

This is the lesson I'm applying to the guy thing. I know who I want to be with. But, the timing isn't good for him. Why would I rush it? Why would I want to? Besides, it's the preamble that is so much fun anyway.

Looking

Forward. I'm looking forward to so much this year. Dad's getting better. Should be mended by this summer. I'm looking forward to that. Buying a house. Something I've been planning for and thinking about for a VERY long time. I'm looking forward to actually doing it, also probably this summer.

I'm not actively looking for someone to spend my life with. I wasn't looking when Cute Cop wandered into my little life. And now that he's wandered back out, I'm still not actively looking. I think that is a good place for me to be right now. Looking for a house, looking for a part time job, looking for free time - I have plenty of looking to keep me busy.

Tonight, I'm looking for a cozy corner at the coffee shop to curl up in and read.

Moving

I have moved on. It was swift. But, like a light switch, it just turned off. I'm not questioning it. I'm grateful. I feel really good. It feels right. It is strange how one thing felt right last week and now the opposite feels right this week. Again...moving on.

I've also begun the house hunt, in earnest. I'm looking at a sweet little house today. Not ready to buy, but certainly ready to look.

I feel great about my life - about the choices I have made. I'm excited about my future.

Enjoying

I'm enjoying my life right now. I'm busy. I feel like I'm doing important things. I've discovered some new music that I love. I've settled into a routine that is comfortable, if not ideal.

I'm enjoying work right now. There is a lot to do. The people I work with are just insanely cool. I miss them when I'm not at work, which is rare. It really is a family. The office feels like home to me. I am embracing that as a good thing and not thinking too hard about the implications of it in general.

At the moment, I'm enjoying a small latte at my other home away from home, the coffee shop.

When I think of my life, my path, my future, my hopes, I can't help but smile. I don't know what will happen. I don't know when or how things will come together for me. But, I know they will. I know things will happen in the way and in the time that is best for me. It usually does happen that way. I'm enjoying stretching my patience. I feel like it's making me a better person.

Wording

A friend sent me a note today that was as profound as it was brief. It said simply, "You are the best person I know and I am a better person for knowing you."

Sixteen words. His ability to so succinctly demonstrate such a sweet sentiment truly impressed me. The sentiment itself, I have to take issue with because I am clearly not the best person he knows.

But, his note got me thinking about the words I choose. As a writer, words are the blocks with which I build and the colors with which I paint. As I arrange and rearrange them, I don't always give clear thought to the particular words I choose.

As I seek to return to myself, I am reminded of the half-written book that quietly sleep in my laptop. I don't know how the story ends, which is why I stopped writing it to begin with. I don't know how the characters' lives turn out in the end. I feel unworthy of the power to determine their fates. Maybe as I take control of my fate, I will, in turn, be free to begin to shape theirs.

I will set a new goal for the month: to dive back into the novel and move the story forward.

Meeting

I'm meeting my goals for the year. Financial, physical and work related. All three categories are on track. It feels really good to focus on the things going right - the things within my control.

I'm recommitted to being and becoming the very best person I can be. I am convinced that is the only way, the true way to meet someone who is equally the best person he can be. Lord knows I haven't done so well in keeping up this standard in the last year. But, it is a fresh new year. No time like the present to get back on track.

Rediscovering

I'm in a process of rediscovery. I'm excited about getting back into my life a little. I feel like I've been visiting another planet for the last 52 days. There are so many things I have been missing.

Sunday mornings at the coffee shop - paper and a small latte.

Sunday morning movies with John.

Sunday afternoon swimming with Mom.

Grocery shopping and cooking on the weekends.

Hanging out in the park.

Cleaning my apartment. What a strange thing to miss.

I'm happy with myself. I'm happy with my life. I love my job. I love my family.

I'm excited about the future, proud of my past and enjoying this moment. I'm rediscovering the goals I made for my life.

Remembering

I'm working on remembering the things that I like about myself. I've gotten so lost in surviving the situation with Dad and trying to make more out of the thing with Cute Cop than it really is - I've lost the good parts of me.

I used to be fun and relaxed. I used to have interesting things to say. Somewhere, I lost that part of me, at least temporarily.

I'm fighting my way back. Dad is getting better. It's still a challenge, but a surmountable one. And Cute Cop, hhhmmm. I don't know what will happen there. I'm ok with that for now. He's got my heart. I guess it's up to me to remember where I left it.

Calming

I can breathe again. Poor Cute Cop. Serious freak out today and he was the prime target. I feel terrible. But, all I can do is move forward.

Luckily for me, he is kind and understanding and willing to forgive me.

Tonight I'm calm. On my way back to happy.

Terrifying

I'm scared and sad and frankly, terrified. I want to feel happy and light hearted and playful. But, today, the weight of the future is on my shoulders.

What if he's not the one. What if I'm just fooling myself. What if I have cast him in a role that doesn't fit - a role he doesn't want. Not ending up with him terrifies me.

But, what if he is the one. What if it's true. What if he does want to be with me in the end. Equally terrifying. Scares me just as much to think about actually getting what I want.

I have never felt this way about someone. Not even close.

I don't know what to do.

Escaping

I want to escape. I want to run away. I need a break.

I'm exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

I want to escape my life. But, each day I wake up and it's still there, suffocating me.

Letting

As in Let it Be. I'm letting right now. Letting things work themselves out. Letting myself feel and laugh and play. I'm letting go. I'm letting him have time and space. OK. I'm trying to let him have time and space. That one is still really hard.

I'm reading and writing and seeing movies and falling in love with my job and my family all over again. I'm letting myself believe in a future that I have postpone for a long time.

I'm letting myself believe that I deserve all of the things I want. I'm letting them come to me, on their own time. It's a hard lesson to learn that you can't force these things. At least, not if you want it to be real.

I'm letting myself enjoy being in like with someone. Enjoying the butterflies each time he calls, every time I see that evil sparkle in his eyes. Letting myself slow down and enjoy getting to know him. I'm grateful that he is letting me.

Reading

I'm reading Revolutionary Road. Trying to finish it before we see the movie on Sunday. But, it's really good, so I don't want to just mow through it. Interesting. The story of my life perhaps.

Things are good. Right now. Manageable at least. My spirits are relatively high. Baby girl arrives tomorrow. I'm still fighting for Emerson Jolie, but I think Natalie might be the chosen name. I can live with that, since it really isn't up to me.

Now, I'm off to my book and my hour of uninterrupted happiness.

Downsizing

The plan to downsize and pay off debt is well underway. I traded the Land Rover! Woo hoo!

I now own an American car, again. I feel a certain satisfaction about that.

I'm going to go drive my new car now.

Sinking

I feel like I'm sinking into a life I don't want. A life that I am not choosing for myself.

I can't breathe. I can't stop this thing.

I keep telling myself that it is a temporary situation. I can do anything for a day, a week, even a month. How long can something continue and still be temporary?

We're on Day 30. It's not feeling temporary anymore.

Driving

I went for a drive today. It was a lovely way to spend a warm Saturday afternoon. It was just what I needed to clear my head and make me smile again.

Tonight I feel relaxed and happy. Ready to enjoy the rest of the weekend before I dive back into work.

We're moving toward a really busy time at work, so it's nice to have a chance to refresh over the weekend.

I feel really good about 2009.