Laughing

Hafiz says often that he hears god laughing. I understand what he is talking about. My god is a Buddha/Santa Clause hybrid and, apparently, is rolling on the floor with a curious case of the giggles.

The shear irony of my life, it's enough to keep any god in stitches. I have spent all my adult life, all of my post college life not being ready. Not ready for love, not ready to settle down, not ready to stay in one place for long.

Now, I've gotten to where I was going. I have arrived. I feel truly myself and complete in this moment. So, of course, when I find the person I want to spend my life with...the timing is bad for him. Seriously? Seriously.

As I consider this, I hear god laughing, quietly at first. But, it's contagious and I have to laugh along. I want to yell. I want to cry. But, all I can do is laugh.

My optimism takes over and squashes each negative, self-pitying thought as quickly as it sprouts. I get to know him. Granted. I want to know him more. But, I get to know him. I get to be his friend. Some people, most people probably never get that chance.

So, tonight I sit in my little corner of my little coffee shop with my little latte and a smile dances across my face. When I catch my own eye in the mirror I realize I am content. Even if I don't get to have the life I had hoped for. I'm happy. And, I have to laugh.

Breathing

I feel like I can breathe again.

Raining

I love rainy mornings. It's pouring outside. I'm at the coffee shop with a warm latte and a great book. This morning I'm a happy girl. I've missed this person.

Dating

I have a date with Popcorn Guy. I don't feel like dating. I feel like being with someone I know. I don't feel like going through the 'where did you grow up' crap right now. I feel like curling up on the couch with someone who I don't have to talk to, someone I don't have to entertain.

Maybe it will be a good thing. Get my mind off Cute Cop. Who knows. Maybe Popcorn Guy will turn out to be a White Knight. He certainly has potential.

Cooking

I feel like cooking tonight, but the grocery stores are closed and I don't have much food in the house. I just raided the pantry at work. It's a weird mix of this and that, but I think I can make something out of it. Maybe I'll make lunch for the staff tomorrow.

I think it's a good sign to want to cook. I haven't cooked (or eaten much for that matter) in over a week. I just haven't had the energy or the appetite. But, the last few days have been better. Things are looking up. Tonight I feel good. Starting to feel like me again.

Bitching

I find it unproductive to bitch and complain when bad things happen. As a rule, I tend to seek solutions and move on. I feel like my energy is better spent this way.

But, last week was, by far, the worst week of my life. I feel the need to bitch a little to myself. If someone happens to be reading this - please stop. Spend your time reading something more productive.

So, here's the week.
Monday. No bonuses for the staff. Not enough money. i.e., I suck at my job.

Tuesday. Cute Cop doesn't want to be with me. Plain and simple. Have to admire his honesty. I think Dad is in the hospital, but he hasn't called me.

Wednesday. No really, he's not kidding. He doesn't want to be with me. And, oh yeah, Dad is in the hospital.

Late Wednesday. Dad in ICU. Ventilator. Feeding tube. Asleep.

Thursday. Same.

Friday. Same. Tubes come out, one by one. He starts to wake up.

Saturday. Awake and grumpy. But, awake.

Sunday. Same.

I am exhausted. I am scared about the next surgery. I am scared about what the future holds for him. I'm pissed off about how he's treated us.

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I don't want to give up on Cute Cop. I don't want to not be a part of his life.

I don't want to keep going like this. I need something to change. I need this to be over soon. I don't think it matters at this point what I need.

Existing

I'm existing. I'm here. That's the good news I guess. I'm somewhere between numb, pissed off and scared out of my mind.

I don't want to continue to exist like this. I don't want to become the person that circumstances are necessitating I become. I can't exist without some control of my surroundings. Some choice in what happens next. All of my choices seem to be suspended at the moment.

I feel like I'm floating through space bumping into things as they come slamming into walls unconscious and unaffected.

I wish to go back. One week. One month. Anytime before now. Now is no good. Tomorrow is not looking good. I don't know what or when I can look forward to something. I don't want to think about it too hard.

For now, I'm existing. Alone on an island. Watching the sky for a rescue plane. Fearing that one won't come.

Cracking

It's been a bad week. My safe little world is cracking and falling apart. And I can't stop it.

Failing

It's been a bad day. I feel like I've failed my whole staff. The annual bonus that most of the staff relies on to finance their family's Christmas will not be given until January, if it is given at all. Why? Because we don't have enough money coming in. Whose fault is that? You guessed it. That honor would fall squarely on my shoulders. So, essentially, I have ruined Christmas for about 30 family.

God, I hate Christmas - almost as much as I hate to fail.

Trusting

Trust has always been an issue for me. I don't think that's uncommon. I have a hard time letting people in. I have a hard time trusting someone with my heart. Letting someone in deep enough to have the ability to hurt me.

I guess what I have learned is that when I let go and trust, that is when I learn so much. I grow.

So far, I've always walked away alone. But, maybe that won't always be the case. I'm trusting that it won't.

Starting

I'm starting something new. Something amazing. It might be something one day, that is.

In NOLA, I toyed with the idea of leading a couple of volunteer vacation group trips next year. I've taken the first steps to make Travel for Change a reality. Exciting.

Now the hard part...where to go. Definitely St. Bernard's Parish next Thanksgiving. Maybe somewhere closer in the Spring. Galveston maybe.

I feel like I've been twisting in the wind for awhile. I need something to look forward to. I need a direction. I need somewhere to focus my hope.

Returning

I'm coming back to myself. It's always a difficult transition for me to come back from a volunteer vacation. I return to a life that feels far less productive. I get frustrated with the materialism and greed around me. I long for the idyllic bubble that I lived in during the vacation. The time and space where I have the freedom to volunteer my labor to a pressing need.

But, alas, I have returned. It is life as usual here in Oklahoma. I am grateful for the freedom to go on these adventures. I am also grateful that I have a place to return to.

Hoping

The air is thick with hope. You can feel it, almost taste it. New Orleans is a city collectively beating back pessimism. It's been a long haul. And, there is much work to do. But, hope abounds and I'm grateful.

Doing

I love working with my hands. I forget that, until i spending some time doing it. I'm always surprised at how much you can accomplish by just doing it.

Today I feel productive and at home - which is weird, because I'm not at home.

I've been thinking a lot about "home" and what that little word means to me. I can't remember the last time I had a place that felt like home. The South Pointe house in Claremore, I guess. It has been 13 years since we sold that house.

I long to feel at home. I wish for a place to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. How long has it been since I've owned a couch?

I'm inspired by the people down here. Their sense of family, the sense of belonging to a people and place is palpable. I don't know who I belong to. I'm not sure where I belong.

I used to embrace that uncertainly. It is what enable me to move away and to try new things. But, I don't want that anymore. I want to belong. I want a family. I want a couch to curl up on and do nothing at all.

Spacing

Time and space amaze me. They are concepts too large in scale to comprehend.



But, there are also great advantages in embracing time and space to sort things out. It felt great today to space out and not overthink everything, for a change.



A really good day, soggy, but good.

Relaxing

Two days of vacation before we get to work. I love the French Quarter. I love New Orleans. I love the relaxed pace of life on vacation. I love our host for meeting us with wine when we finally got to the B&B at 10:00 last night. I love that it's a little rainy here today. It is so nice to sneak away and relax this time of year.

I'm ready to get the day started. Ready to dive in and relax.

Driving

It's going to be a long day. We leave soon.

Liz won CNN's hero of the year! Amazing! Can't wait to see her!

Disconnecting

I can check my work e-mail from outside of the office now. I'm not sure this is a good thing. I'm a fan of disconnecting.

Firing

Firing on all cylinders this morning. God, it feels good when things really click at work. I have a freaking great job. Why do I forget that so often?

Turning

It's time to turn a corner. I can't keep going in this direction. It's not healthy. It's not what is best for me.

I feel like I've been sideswiped by an unseen something. Knocked off my path, by something I didn't even know was on the road with me.

Thank god for New Orleans. How selfish is it that I would be thankful for the devastating need in NOLA, if only to take my focus off of my life. I don't know how I got here. I don't know when I lost the reigns. I don't remember turning them over.

Laughing

We laugh a lot at work. We laugh with each other, and sometimes, at each other. The darker or more depressing the day, the more we laugh. We laugh to cope.

Today, I'm laughing with Fate. The ironies of my life seem neverending. I miss something I have never had. I am surrounded by people all day long, but I am alone. So, I laugh. It's all I can do. Fate is a funny little minx.

Writing

I have a new idea for a book. I'm so excited about it. I can't wait to start to get it onto paper.

Breaking

I'm at my breaking point. I can feel it. I'm trying to hold it all together. Trying not to lose it until the house remodel is finished.

My body hurts. I'm exhausted. I don't want to be at work because I know how much is left to do on the house and how few hours are available to do it in.

I'm cranky, pissed off and just generally not fun to be around.

And I'm sad. I'm sick of being sad.

Next week has to be better.

Tomorrow is the third anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.

Maybe I should move to New Orleans.

Missing

On days like today, as we wait with baited breath to hear the VP nomination, one thought occurs to me over and over. I'm so sad that Tim Russert is missing this. I can picture his face, washed in excitement and anticipation as he handicaps the field. Somehow, without his commentary, it's just a little less exciting.

Death has been one of the themes of this year. Since February, when a childhood friend died, I find myself reflecting on him at strange moments. During a particularly heavy rainstorm, I remember thinking "Matt isn't experiencing this rain. He's not here to see it or feel it." It's a realization that continues to sneak up on me at random times.

I have the same process of realization regarding Tim Russert. He's not here to wait with us on pins and needles. He's missing this part. It makes me sad.

Hanging

I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread today. I'm out of sorts. I just can't seem to right the ship.

I really want to go home, crawl into bed and forget about the world for a few days.

Unfortunately, I can't do that.

There was a time when I would have allowed myself the indulgence.

Why can't I just snap out of this. Seriously.

Today, life isn't so good in Oklahoma. Makes me consider fleeing.

Wasting

What a waste of a weekend. The only redeemable parts were volunteering and spending time with the Boys. Other than that, one big friggin waste. Even now, I could redeem myself and I don't. What's wrong with me?

Rationalizing

I know there are things I should be doing, that I am not. I know there are things I shouldn't be doing that I am. The interesting part to me is how I rationalize behaving badly.

I have made an effort through the years to be the same person at all times. My argument was that if you can do this, than you are always true, always the real you.

Recently, I feel like there are two versions of me roaming around. I'm not the same person all the time. (Maybe this is an unattainable goal.) I like one manifestation of myself much better than the other. I guess the key might be to be as complete a person as possible.

I don't like the me I see today. I'm unproductive, sarcastic and manipulative. None of these are traits I would accept in a friend. Why do I accept them in myself?

Re-occupying

I have reoccupied my island. After not being alone for any stretch of time for the better part of two weeks. It feels weird to be as alone as I am tonight.

I only notice that I'm alone when I'm sad. It somehow magnifies the aloneness.

Even seeking solace in my lovely little coffee shop hasn't helped. The place is abandoned and only exacerbates my isolation.

Tonight I am sad and alone. Feeling sorry for myself? How arrogant.

Writing

God, it feels good to get back to doing what I do well.

I'm cranking out grants today. It reminds me why I love my job. I really believe in what we do at the homeless shelter (though there are systemic changes that I would like to make as well).

But, I have the perfect balance in my job. I have the freedom to command for myself what I do from day to day. I get to be creative (somewhat). And, I get to wake up everyday looking forward to going to work. I love the people I work with (who decorated my office with Peruvian male models to greet me upon my return).

But, most importantly, I feel like I get to make a difference by going to work every day. I can't imagine (and don't want to think about it) going to work everyday and not getting that feeling. I've had those jobs. This is so much better. It makes me a better person everyday.

Basking

I'm undeniably happy. The trend has held for awhile now and has become a comfortable state of being. I feel like I've relaxed into myself much more than I was even a few months ago. I love everything about my life - my job, my family, my friends, my volunteer gigs, my apartment.

I am in love with my life. I would like to share all of this with someone, of course. But, even the absence of a Mr. hasn't held me back or squelched my happiness.

There were several moments on the side/top of a mountain in Peru that I truly thought I would probably die. The 3 hour ride up the mountain was the strongest test of my contentment. I honestly did not expect to return unharmed from the mountain top. Yet, as scared as I was, I was also content. I don't think I left anything unsaid. I felt satisfied with my life. If it ended Wednesday, July 30th at 11:00 AM in rural Peru, I felt like I would be remembered for living a good, productive life.

Fortunately for me, I returned from the mountain unharmed, but not unchanged. I'm basking in my life and my love of it.

Kissing

Kissing the Oklahoma soil.

Feels good to be home.

I smell like Peru, which is a mix of llama dung, sweat and Inca Kola (which smells like bubblegum).

Traveling

Peru.

It's here. We're leaving for the airport in less than 2 hours. Yea!

I'm excited for my mom. She is fulfilling a dream by going on this trip. Kind of cool to get to witness someone fulfill a dream. How often does that really happen?

As excited as I am, a part of me is also a little apprehensive. I feel like travel changes the traveler. When I return, I won't be the same person that is writing this. That person is leaving today to be replaced by the one that returns. The thought makes me a little sad. I like this me. Hopefully the one that returns will only improve on the theme.

I'm calm. I'm chill. That's been my state for a few months now and luckily, it hasn't abandoned me today. I'm looking forward to the adventure and glad to have Mom traveling along with me.

Confusing

My head and my heart are a mess. I guess it's a good time for a vacation. We leave for Peru tomorrow. I'm happy to have something else to focus on, if only for a week.

Knowing

"They" say 'you'll just know when it's right.'

I don't trust "them" on most subjects. But, I met someone and I just know.

He is kind and compassionate. He is intelligent and wise. He is cheerful and lighthearted in equal measure to being serious and steadfast. He is the kind of person I aspire to be.

I can't wait to get to know him more. I see good things in the future.

Nauseating

I feel like I'm going to throw up. I hate this feeling.

Worms in the food and blood on the floor. It's been a rough day.

Ugh...

Anticipating

Why is it that the anticipation of something is usually so much more exciting than the participation in the same something?

Just a question for the universe.

On a slightly different note, I am completely in love with my life at the moment. I'm a happy girl. I'm learning to embrace the happinesss and trust it. In the past, happiness has always betrayed me, eventually.

Tastes Like Summer

Citrus Chicken on Black Bean and Corn Salad

I've become one of them. You know, those people who take pictures of their food. Geez!!

Smiling

I overheard a little girl in the grocery store tell her mom she was so happy she was smiling on the inside too. The phrase stuck in my mind.

Today, I am smiling on the inside. It's has been the most enjoyable day. Start to, well, the present moment. Here's the run down:

7:30 Farmer's Market. Who knew there were lavender eggplant? I know now.
8:00 Coffee House. Yum. Latte, Music, Hafiz, Chill.
10:00 Food Bank. VAP. Chili, Chicken, Dishes, Cleaning. I'm a happy girl.
1:30 Doing my own dishes. Not as much fun.
3:30 Swimming at the Y with Mom. Good times.
5:00 Making Dinner. Ripped of Jonny's Citrus Chicken and Black Bean and Corn Salad. Mom thinks I'm a culinary genius.
7:00 Coffee House, Part II.
7:10 Raining. Latte. Still a happy girl.

Freaking

A friend mentioned today my propensity to freak out.

It made me realize that I really don't like that about myself. The causes of these little outbursts are diverse, but usually originate with some mini-drama involving a client at work. It's interesting to me that this is his impression of me. Because really, he's one of the few people that I freak out to. I feel safe venting to him. Don't know why.

For the most part, no one else in my life, with the possible exception of my mother, is privy to these daily frustrations. I don't know why I put this poor guy through having to listen to me rant. He certainly has his own frustrations and challenges to deal with.

So, my challenge is to temper my response to daily challenges and leave my friend out of it. He doesn't need to know. Upon reflection, it's not very friendly to unload all of my burdens on him.

Anyway. Something to think about.

Isolating

Feeling very isolated today. Cut off from real people.

It's weird. Holidays are just like this sometime. They make me feel like I'm on my own island. Separate and apart from everyone else.

I don't remember when it started. Maybe when I was in Chicago, literally apart from my family.

But, I remember feeling like this in Shawnee as well. I think maybe it's just me.

Maybe I am an island.

Connecting

Over the weekend I reconnected with some old friends and connected with some new ones. It felt great. I feel like I'm me again. I don't know where I went. But, I feel like Saturday marked the true return to me.

A piece of my heart had been missing for so long I forgot how it felt when it is whole. Something clicked this weekend. I'll attribute it to being with Scott and connecting with Michael. Something about that just brought me back.

It makes me excited about the future. I want more of that.

Changing

I'm thinking about changing careers. It should be scary. I feel like I should be more nervous about it than I am.

But, I just feel really good about it. It feels right. Every hour I spend in a kitchen just feels like that is where I am supposed to be.

When I explain what I want to do to anyone who has known me longer than a minute, they nod and smile and say something to the tune of "oh, that makes sense."

That makes me think I'm on the right path.

As a rule, I try to embrace change in my life. It's worked for me to this point, so I'm embracing this one as well. Unfortunately, it's going to be a slow change. Gotta cool my heels for a while.

If nothing else, I will learn the value of patience.

Chilling

I have had an unnatural sense of calm the last few weeks. There are certain things I know are going to happen in the future and they have dwarfed any of the silly stressers in my life right now.

Though I assume this won't have a reader, I will be vague on this count just in case it does.

But, leaving details aside, I am calm. I have noticed I am using the word "chill" a lot these days. I don't know who I got that from. It's not a word that is at home in my vocabulary. But, it describes my general mood at present.

The most remarkable part of this story is that I had a huge event on Thursday. While I was very busy leading up to that event, I never was really stressed about it.

I see the bigger picture and I refuse to get caught up in silliness.

For now, I'm just chilling.

Heating

It's been relatively hot out. It seems like when the temp gets to 90 degrees a few days in a row, people turn crazy and start killing each other.

Unfortunately, the trend seems to be holding.

It scares me to think that it's not even technically summer yet. It's already been such a deadly year.

Flowing

On occasion I allow myself the indulgence of an hour of writing really bad poetry. I believe it's a barometer of sorts for the soul. If that is true, I think I'm in trouble. Below is my hour's worth of verse, unedited.

Homeless

I had a dream once.
I can not remember what it was.
I was destined to be someone important.
My grandmother was convinced of it.

I had a life once.
I can remember now how it felt
To awaken each dawn in my own bed;
To look forward to the coming day.

The Sinner and Saint are one in the same
Two sides of a coin on the streets.
So far from where I started
My life is now unrecognizable to me.

She shields her face from the overhead light.
Her eyes plead for dark night to come.
She curls her body, hugging her knees.
Time stops. It's Seven O'clock.

When morning breaks, she starts her routine.
Grateful for something to do.
She washes and combs, then hops on the bus.
Going nowhere until she returns.

Things could have been different.
She knows that now. Revelation coming too late.
She would give everything to return to that day,
Armed with the knowledge of her future fate.


Trying Too Hard

Trying too hard to be seen
Makes her invisible.
Trying too hard to be heard
Silences her voice.
Trying to impress him
Makes her seem desperate.

Such a pretty girl.
Why does she sell herself short?

He's clearly bored.
At what point did she lose him?

Creating

Words stack up eager to make their way to the page,
Arranging and rearranging themselves.
A story reveals itself to me.
It was there for the taking, I merely write it down.
Did I create it or did it create me?

The Dead

The names of the dead dance across my mind.
A funeral procession with no end.
I cover my eyes like a frightened child
To erase their faces.
But it's no use.
Their eyes stare back at me in the mirror.
A tear escapes and I don't know if it's mine
Or theirs.

Black Hole

Heart in hand I approach.
His eyes sparkle and the sadness is almost masked.
I stare through them to the emptiness.
Eager to fill the gaping hole, I give all I have.
Inexplicably, it makes the hole bigger.
Physics has no place in this matter.

Exhausting

An apt description of my life at the moment. I find myself in need of a nap by 4:30 most days...though I rarely have the time for one.

Between the brutal morning workouts, the hours in the water in the evening and the tornado of activity all day long at work, I am physically spent.

I'm not complaining. It feels really good. It feels productive. It makes me feel worthwhile.

Unfortunately, the volunteers hours seem to be squeezed out, at least in the short term. I regret that. I really enjoy my volunteer projects. But, there are only so many hours in the day.

Moments ago in a coffee shop, I heard a voice across the room that sounded like Adam's. It wasn't, of course, but it made me realize I hadn't thought about him in weeks. That made me sad.

I've been thinking about energy a lot this week. My energy level is very different from what it was when he was around. My overall energy is much more positive than it was last year. When I'm having an especially cheery and optimistic day, it makes me laugh to think how much that would annoy him.

Then I realize how much better my life is without him in it. That part still hurts.

A writer friend once said, of a similar situation, that "holding back the tears in exhausting". She was right.

More Dying

30.

Damn it.

Dying

We are at 29 for the year.

That's as many as we sometimes lose in an entire year, and it's not even June.

It's just wrong.

Adding

I'm adding pages. Finally.

It feels really good to flex that muscle again.

I have to make some big decisions for my characters. I think I couldn't do that until I made some big decisions for myself. I guess my conscience is clear, because the words are coming.

Trusting

I trusted the wrong person. I missed my friend and my writing partner.

I gave away some pages. Pages that haven't been read, ever. Pages that really aren't ready to be read by anyone.

Luckily, it appears they still haven't been read. So, I guess that's a blessing in disguise. However, it feels more like disrespect and indifference.

It's my fault for trusting someone I don't really know. I guess I felt comfortable with him by virtue of his pedigree. Stupid reason to trust someone.

Erasing

Today has been a day of erasing. Posts, thoughts, habits, dreams, even part of my book project. I've done a lot of erasing.

I suppose some of the deletions I might later regret. Hopefully not.

I'm most interested in erasing thoughts. I tend to dwell on the same things. I get stuck. Today, I was stuck. I had to do some strategic erasure to move past it and actually get some work done. Which, after all, is the reason I'm here at the moment and not on vacation.

I had a pretty productive day. As much as possible under the circumstances.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was fired. At first I was shocked and hurt. Then, surprisingly, I was relieved. I began to think of all the things I wouldn't have to do. The grants I wouldn't have to write. The event that I wouldn't have to plan. In my dream, I drifted from shock, to acceptance, to relief.

I don't think that is a good sign. Do I not love my job anymore? I thought I did.

Lightning

I saw the first lightning bug of the summer tonight.

Good memories.

Existing

Sometimes in the stillness and quiet of night, the existence dilemma sneaks up on me. It's one of those thoughts I strategical reject all day long, but in the haze between sleeping and waking, sometimes it takes over my mind.

Ringing

My phone isn't ringing. Damn thing. My phone isn't ringing because he's not calling.

I'm not that girl. I don't sit around and wait for the phone to ring. In fairness to myself, I haven't sat and waited for it to ring. In fact, I just got home. Busy evening.

My phone usually annoys me when it does ring. I don't particularly like talking on the phone.

But, at the moment, I want it to ring and it disobeys.

House Hunting

About every six months, I start manically house hunting. Even today, driving home for lunch, I can't help but look for For Sale signs.

I don't need a house. I'm perfectly happy in my little apartment.

But, when I indulge in daydreaming about the future, I convince myself that I will need a house in which to raise a family. So, I go house hunting.

I don't need to buy a house right now. I don't have a family in need of space.

If you buy it, they will come? Maybe.

Parking

I really, really want to go to the park. It's my retreat on days when I need to be outside to get some air and think. But, it's raining. Bummer.

This park abutts a neighborhood that I love, in which I will probably never afford to live. I even looked at garage apartments in this neighborhood. Sadly, I could not even afford that.

I have been hiding out in this park for many, many years. When I was 16 I would drive my best friends to Tulsa. We would hang out at Java Daves and feel much more mature than our tender age by drinking coffee drinks.

This park is just down the road from where Java Daves once was. On more than one occasion one of the three of us girls would sneak down to the park with a cute older boy. There is a tree in the middle of the park that holds many secrets of the adolescence of me and my friends.

Now, I sit under the same tree and think. It's a reminder to me that, while some things change...many do not.

Man, I want to go to the park. It's just a little rain. I guess I won't melt.

Choosing

Most women fall into one of two categories.

They are either rose bushes or rose bouquets.

I am most certainly a rose bush kind of gal.

Ignoring

This morning, getting into the shower, I glanced down and caught a glimpse of my right calf. It's a part of my body that I don't spend any time contemplating.

However, while I have been ignoring my calf, it has been working hard in the gym and the pool. While I knew my calf was with me during those long hours on the treadmill and in the pool, it did not occur to me to check in with it to assess it's progress.

Happily, my calf has done a great job of shedding it's excess fat and building muscle. This morning, I'm happy for it and for me.

I still have a long way to go. And it will take muscles, like my newly reintroduced calf, to carry me the distance.

Rededicating

It's time to rededicate myself to writing. Not this silly quasi-blog. This is all nonsense really and not meant to be read by anyone, including myself. It serves only to focus my thoughts and to measure the passage of time.

But, I feel like I'm ready to get an outside opinion on an old project. I even have an idea for a new project. It's scary and exciting at the same time.

Writing has always been an additional thing in my life, secondary to work or school. Maybe it will always be something I do additionally.

But, maybe not. Maybe someday it will be my chief activity.

Missing

Tonight I feel the depth of what is missing in my life.

It's late. I'm exhausted.

I've got to stop thinking. I'm going to go read.

Remembering

A character in a book I'm reading makes the point that as long as someone remembers you, you continue to live after your death. Her concern and curiosity rested on wanting to know who would remember her last. She spent some time elegantly postulating on what final memory would be the last remembrance that she walked upon the earth.

It's an interesting question.

I've spent some time this morning remembering people that I respect and love that have passed away. To my embarrassment and dread, it is the first time in a long time that I have thought of some of them at length. I promise myself to think of them more often.

Then, there are those whom I never knew, but whose passing I mourn as their lives touch mine years later. It seems tragically unfair to meet someone and be changed by them years after their death.

Inevitably, my thoughts turn to those who pass away unremembered. Because it is a function of my work, I think about this population almost daily. Will my thinking of them be the last remembrances of their lives. God, I hope not.

Providing

I forget sometimes that the universe provides, if only you hasten to ask.

It's a lesson that I have learned over and over again. Yet, each time I am surprised.

I have always been provided with those things that I need. Whether through my own efforts or the efforts of others on my behalf, I have never not been able to meet my needs.

But, in addition to that, the universe provides for my wants. It sounds pompous and selfish to say so. But it's true. Even my smallest, silliest wants are the business of universal force.

When the universe provides for my wants and I am stunned and surprised, I refelct upon Hafiz, who would say that if I would listen closely, I could hear God laughing.

Sleeping

I'm not sleeping. Too much on my mind. I don't function well without sleep.

Having a hard time streaming thoughts together.

I'm not convinced that I'm actually doing any good. Feel like I'm spinning my wheels and not seeing results.

At work, volunteer work, writing...just across the board. Not a good day/week.

Raining

I love the rain. Especially thunderstorms in the morning.

I have a lot of things to think about today. I have some serious decisions to make and 9 hours and change to make them.

Luckily, I'm not working today. Hopefully I will have a mindless task to do at the Food Bank, so I can focus my thoughts elsewhere.

At this moment, I am reminded that I have made this mistake before and have promised myself to learn from my mistakes, not continue to repeat them. Easier said than done.

Re-thinking

I've been rethinking some actions I have set in motion.

I've always believed that the connections you make indelibly change the person that you are or the path that you are on or both. I do still believe that. But, I also have learned that first appraisals of a connection don't always hold as accurate. As time passes and relationships change and lengthen, often they take on more or less meaning than they had when they were young and new.

It makes me sad when I think of those people who were once so important to me, realizing that I haven't thought of them at length for quite some time.

Then there are the new relationships. There are two that I didn't put much stock into, that have been a welcome and lovely surprise. There is one that I have put much effort and care into that is quite lovely and unpredictable. Then there is one that I had high hopes for. It appears that I have placed my faith in a false hope. It isn't the first time and, I am assured, won't be the last time.

I am re-thinking my actions and priorities today. But, enough thinking...it's time to get to the gym.

Reading

I'm reading a book I love right now. Several nights now I have had to force myself to put the book down and go to bed, for fear of not being able to function in the morning. I love that feeling, the anticipation of reading a great book. As a writer, I imagine that eliciting that feeling in someone has to be the greatest reward.

Timing

My timing is off today. It's the kind of day when I would normally long for a do-over. But, at present, the day sucks so much that I am just wishing for morning. Monday morning. Only major suckage can cause that.

The first half of the day was actually lovely. In the office at dawn, painting. A couple hours of reading, both at the coffee shop and at the park. Chatting with my squirrels. Then, to a great movie. One I have been wanting to see for a while.

That's when the wheels fell off the day, almost literally. Few things unnerve me like car trouble. I just can't deal with it. While my car is STILL in the shop, far be it from O'Brien to get it back to me in under a month, I am driving the farm truck. The old girl has many years on her and is not properly maintained, so it wasn't a big surprise when the tire went flat.

There are few moments in my life when I truly, desperately wish I were married so that I would have someone to depend on to maintain my vehicle. Today happens to be one of them. It's just bad timing.

Prepping

As I am now half way through the painting job, the importance of prepping has occurred to me.

Like a renegade, I always start painting without taking the time to properly prep the job. And, invariably, I go back, midway through, and prep.

The true evil of painting is that once you've begun, you can't stop. Especially in the office, I have to finish this over the weekend in order to be able to get to work on Monday. It sucks. Seriously sucks. I would much rather be reading right now.

Ok. Enough procrastination. Back to work.

Painting

I'm painting my office this morning. It's the last step before I can put my office back together and cease working in choas. Luckily, the office is small, so I should be able to finish this today. Hopefully.

Listening

I met someone recently who is a really good listener. He asks really deep, probing questions and then listens intently to the answers. He's been a good example to me. I want to be a better listener.

It's so easy to validate someone by listening to them. It costs nothing and every time I make the effort, I learn something new.

I realize that I haven't been a very good friend these last few years. I used to be a great friend. I guess it comes back to spending the time and effort. In college, I remember spending hour after hour just talking with my friends. I don't do that anymore. I don't talk much these days, as a rule. I miss that.

Adopting

365 days to go before I begin the adoption process. When I set this arbitrary deadline in 2004, it seemed a lifetime away. Now it's one year away. I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be.

I'm grateful to have the time to plan and save and to get in shape. It all ties together. That's my lesson to myself today.

I spent a long time in the park last night trying to envision my life with a baby. I think I'll be a good mom. But, I feel some guilt about creating a single parent family. I feel like this little one is going to have been through so much already that he or she deserves everything, including a father. I mentioned this to a friend last night and he was quick to point out that one parent who loves you is far better than life in an orphanage or in the foster care system.

He's right, of course, as always.

Healing

I cut my thumb last night while I was volunteering. It's not a severe injury, but because of the direction of the cut, each time I try to use my thumb the throbbing seems to go straight through me.

Apparently, I don't deal well with even the smallest amount of pain. The cut is already beginning to heal. In a week or two, I won't even feel it anymore.

I've been thinking this morning about other kinds of healing. Looking back on those severe events that seemed to suck the light and possibilities out of the future, now I hardly feel them. They have healed. Or, rather, I have healed. The shattered pieces of me have come back together into a whole. I didn't realize that it was possible to heal so completely.

Drawing a comparison between myself and those we serve, I am grateful for the time and safety I had to drawn up into myself and lick my wounds. Without a safety net of friends and family and the good luck of an education and stubborn determination, my life could have taken a different turn. It's possible that I might not have made it.

Nourishing

I am coming to understand the true meanings of being malnourished. While it is most directly a physical aliment, I think it has mental and emotional ramifications that go much deeper.

Eating healthier, exercising my body and mind I feel nourished and strong. I feel balanced and clear headed; productive and content.

All of this renews my frustration with the food we feed people who are homeless. It's shocking to see such malnourishment in a land of plenty.

Regretting

I spent a lot of time thinking about regret this weekend.

I am reading a book that will be published next month. The author was an up and coming fresh voice in the early 60's. He won awards and was celebrated for his talent. Than, life took over. He spent the next 45 years working in office equipment and raising a family.

Now, 47 years after his first book was published, he has published his second...and it's terrible. Somewhere along the way he lost that voice that made him unique and fresh. His latest manuscript is ripe with regret. Even his protagonist echos his pleas for a "do-over".

I feel bad for the guy. But, I will be writing a negative review.

I can't help but to apply this lesson to myself. As I re-read my writing over the last 10 years, I see a subtle shift. Maybe it's a natural progression from girl to woman, from student to adult. But, I don't want to let the next 40 years of my life slip by without honing my talent. I don't want to let my voice disappear. More than anything else, I don't want to regret the choices I make.

Writing

I am writing again. Not just this little daily indulgence in self-importance. I have gone back to the 2004 project. Before today, I had not even read it through since 2006. There is a lot in it that I like.

I particularly like the characters. I didn't realize that I missed them until I pulled out the manuscript and started reading. It felt a lot like revisiting old friends that I hadn't expected to see again. I remember when I began the project thinking that I wanted the characters to have warmth and depth and, of course, many flaws. I still have more work to do to bring out some of the soft underbelly in Mitch, the journalist, but he's coming along.

One of my characters dies pretty early in the project. I remember the day I killed him. Though his death was relatively peaceful, letting him die was brutal. His death is necessary to the plot. But, it still really affects me. This morning, reading the chapters before his death makes me rethink letting him die. If only there was another way to move the plot along.

I'm looking for an editor. I need someone to help me shape my thoughts and clarify some themes. I also just need someone to encourage me to turn out more pages. Writing has always been such a solitary pursuit for me. The idea of opening up this project to criticism is unsettling, though I know it's necessary.

I'm a believer in timing and, to some extent, fate. I'm not going to seek out an editor. When the time comes, I know one will present itself.

Learning

I feel like there are lessons we are supposed to learn along the way in life. Apparently, one of these lessons I have yet to master, because I keep making the same mistake. Over and over again.

Maybe the lesson this time is to recognize the pattern and be consciously aware of it. I guess that is a step in the right direction.

If every mistake teaches us something, than the challenge for me is to not ignore that lesson.

It's frustrating because I feel like I have made a lot of progress. I am in a completely different place from this time last year. I am a better person. I'm stronger. I wake up each morning with purpose. Last year I didn't.

So why do I fall into the same trap. More accurately, why do I seek out the same trap.

Obviously, I still have a lot of learning to do.

Worrying

I'm worried about a friend. It started small. A red flag here or there. But, I'm growing increasing concerned about him. I've been losing sleep over it.

It's a precarious position because it is a new friendship. I care about this guy and I am extremely concerned for his future.

Having said that, where does my responsibility begin and end regarding his personal safety and happiness.

Working at a homeless shelter, I have learned a lot about drug use. It is my belief that a large majority of the people who end up in our shelter have a drug abuse issue. By majority I mean somewhere in the neighborhood of 90%. Of course that's an oversimplification and doesn't take into account the many other issues they face. But, drug use and abuse seems to be the glue that connects them.

So when my friend begins to exhibit warning signs of drug abuse, I take it pretty seriously. I just don't want to over-react or wreck the friendship with him by discussing the issue.

So, for now, I just sit here worrying about him.

Celebrating

Everyone is celebrating. Our event was a huge success. The best we've had in the six year history of the event. The credit should really go to our consultants who worked their fingers to the bone on our behalf.

I'm thrilled that everything went as smoothly as it did.

Now on to the next one. Event #2 is less than 2 months away.

Hiding

I've been thinking about the ways that I hide. I am by nature reclusive. But, it seems recently, I have been hiding in plain sight. Many nights that means blending into the background of a coffee shop with a book. Existing among many other people, but separating myself from them. Hiding in the world of the book.

The link that I've made recently in my mind is between that and hiding from the world behind a wall of weight and self-esteem issues. Working through many of those issues and watching the weight melt away, it occurs to me that I habitually separate and isolate myself. The twisted part is that I convince myself that I am being kind or considerate by doing so. In my mind, it seems unfathomable that someone might want to spend time with me. So, I continue to hide. Like now, in the early morning hours of a beautiful Saturday, my dark and quiet office feels quite comfortable.

Daydreaming

The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. The inmates outside of my office window are mowing the grass, which seems to have grown a foot in the last week. It is the kind of day made for daydreaming.

Unfortunately, there is much work to be done. So the daydreaming has to be confined to the lunch hour.

When I was a kid, it was days like today that I remember staring out the window at school and dreaming about the future. Like most boy crazy girls, those dreams usually revolved around a special boy.

I guess that little girl never really grew up. Today I am still staring out my window, daydreaming about a special boy. I guess some things are never going to change.

Sipping

I've been sipping coffee for years. I consider it a hobby, but also recognize it as an addiction. Recently, I've been sipping coffee at a great little coffee shop in my new neighborhood. It now occupies the shell of the recently closed First Edition Bookstore. The place has a great vibe. I attribute it to the residue of brilliance that I think must be left behind from all those years of housing such works of art.

I feel like myself while I'm sipping at the Coffee House. It's rare to find a place like that. With each small latte I am reminded to enjoy and sip slowly.

Enjoying

I don't use the word perfect often. But, what a perfect day.

Coffee with Mom at my favorite coffee house this morning. A trip to the newly re-opened farmers market, where I found some great shiitakes. Off to the gym to treadmill for 40 minutes. A quick shower and change and off to the Food Bank to VAP.

A quick stop by work to return a few e-mails, a quick stop at the grocery store, and maybe the liquor store.

Then an afternoon of reading on my patio in the sun, listen to a baseball game across the street.

Perfect.

I has occurred to me recently to really enjoy these days. Not just the perfect ones like today, but this time period in my life. I realize, at least in fleeting moments, that these are the days I will look back on fondly someday. The days when I was single and didn't have kids. The days I could spend any way I wanted to. The days when there wasn't someone at home waiting for me. I know I'll look back someday and miss days like today.

Thinking

I've been thinking a lot lately. Which, I guess, is the source of inspiration for this incarnation of a blog. I'm not a blogger. At least, to this point in my life, I haven't been a blogger.

But, I have been thinking about a lot of things and haven't had the venue to voice opinions. So, I have begun this humble pursuit to voice some concerns, comments and observations.

I do so assuming that it will not have a reader. If these words find themselves being read, it is of no effort of mine.

However, if an audience stumbles upon my soliloquy, I will introduce myself be saying I am in my thirties...early thirties, that is. I am single and I work at a homeless shelter.

Beyond that, the specifics don't really matter. For those are the highlights of who I am, though painted with a rather broad brush.